Moving on (a PLL fanfiction)

Chapter Eleven

Spencer's P.O.V

You never think it'll happen to you, until it does. You never expect it to happen at such an age, until it does. It has happened to me. I'm Spencer Hastings and today I'm going to have a double mastectomy. Im scared, I'm weak, but most of all, I'm tired. I'm tired of every piece of happiness being ripped away from me. This operation completely eliminates my chance of ever getting breast cancer again. But it may also eliminate my self confidence. I will never ever get to breast feed my own children. I think that's mad. I don't know how to feel, everything is just so overwhelming. The recovery is going to be hard. But it's going to be worth it. At the end of it all, I'm going to be happy. I'm going to marry Toby, have children and we're all going to live a long and happy life. Hopefully.

I look into the mirror, I look at my breasts. They have always been there. I can't imagine them gone. They're soon to be replaced with two scars. I guess it's an addition to my collection. My gunshot scar, and now my mastectomy scars. It's amazing how something as small as a lump can lead to something like this. I guess I was the twin that pulled the short straw. I wish I knew why Mary couldn't tell me in person, the police say she's still missing. So is Alex. We were under the impression they were in custody. But just recently we found out they weren't. But Alex hasn't made an attack on us? Maybe she is gone. Maybe she's given up. I know if I ever find her, someone had better hold me back. Hurt me I can handle it, hurt my friends or Toby, i seek blood. He didn't deserve what happened to him. He's too pure. He's too pure to have been messed around by Alex. I can't imagine my life without him.

"You ready Spence" Toby says, giving me this look as if I'm wounded. I'm not wounded, not yet.

"As ready as I'll ever be" I say, I glance at the house, the next time I see it, things will be different. I will be different.

"You're so beautiful" Toby says

"You're such a kiss ass" I snap back, I'm not really in the mood for romantic and soppy stuff. Who can blame me? It's not exactly Valentine's Day is it?

The car journey is quiet. I'm quiet. I don't have anything to say. I just want to get this over and done with. I know the procedure. I know the risks, but they are outweighed by the positives and that is all I focus on.

"Are you nervous?" Toby asks, trying to get some conversation out of me.

"No" I reply bluntly.

"Spence you don't have to shut me out, I'm here for you, I always will be. I'm not going to leave. No matter how hard you try" Toby replies. I hate being like this, but I guess you can't change old habit forms.

"I'm sorry okay, but that's what I do. Something bad happens, I get affected. I shut people out. I love you toby, I'm scared, really truly scared." I say.

"I know babe, but the doctors are so experienced, you are in good hands, you're going to be okay. I promise. I like to keep my promises, just like the promise I'm going to make when we get married" Toby replies.

It will be okay. That's all I have to tell myself. When I come round from the op, it'll be the beginning of the rest of my cancer free life. It'll be the continuation of my love story with Toby. I hope that story never ends.

We arrive at the hospital and I feel all cold. One way or another, today is going to happen, so let's get it over with. I grab my suitcase which has my change of clothes and a few other bits for my stay in hospital. I've been told to pack for 2-3 days but I've packed for a year. Can never be too prepared. I see Emily waiting by the entrance. I told none of the girls to come. Because I know that the visitor regulations are strict. But I knew they wouldn't listen. I'm glad em is here, she can keep Toby company, I hate the thought of him being alone, pacing the corridors. I told him he could have gone home but he was having none of it.