Emotions [Dazai x Reader]

Intrigued

Dazai
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I watched her silently from afar. We were both on the roof. She was sitting on the ledge, reading a book. Her features and everything were dark, the sunset was coming from her direction.

Why?

This was impossible. Why did my ability not nullify hers, but alter it? This has never happened. The day I tried to nullify her ability on Akutagawa's emotions, it should have brought him back to his original self; but it didn't. I wasn't sure if her ability was just that powerful or if I just discovered a limitation to mine. And even so, what kind of limitation? I didn't know whether or not she was capable of using her ability to make me vulnerable- and that scared me. I wanted to know more about this ability. I wanted to know what I could do and see if I could mess with her ability to protect myself.

I quietly sighed and walked up to [Y/N], sitting next to her. Now half of her face was visible, her dark gray eyes didn't stop scanning the pages of her book, my presence not affecting her.

"What are you reading?" I asked.

"Why are you spying on me?" She asked, continuing to not looking up at me.

I smiled and changed the topic. I watched her intently as she read the book. The gray in her irises shift their hue as they moved back and forth reading the words on the page.

"What would you do if I held a gun to your head?" I asked.

"Nothing." She responded as she turned a page.

"Why?" I continued to ask.

"I have no desire to live, nor to stop death or trigger it." She responded.

I raised my eyebrows. I shared some what of the same feelings, but did she really feel that way? Was it only because of her altered emotions? I became curious as I watched her read. I wondered about who she truly was. I slowly felt my fear fall as I realized [Y/N] didn't care. Why would she ever try and read me? Maybe if she were told about my ability and my failed attempt to nullify it, then maybe it would spark an interest. I knew for sure she would only do so unless told by Chuuya or Mori, who I highly doubt would order her to do something like that. I decided to see what she'd do if she was asked by someone of no importance to her.

"[Y/N], could you tell me Chuuya's emotions?" I asked.

"No." She responded.

"Why?" I pouted.

"You're not my superior or my boss. You're also not my superior's lover or trusted family, so I can't give you that information." She answered.

"But I am Chuuya's boyfriend." I lied. Her eyes slowly wandered up to mine. She gave me a cold stare, thinking about my response.

"No you're not."

[Y/N] shut her book, and got up to leave me alone- like I usually was. I watched her walk away as I thought about my new motives. There was one thing I deeply wanted from her.

And it was to get rid of this feeling of loneliness.

I used to think a partner was all I needed. I wanted,

Someone who would try, even when things get rough.
Someone who was honest, even if it caused pain.
Someone who would love me for the way I was.
Someone who felt the loneliness that I did.
Someone who could make me happy.
Someone who I could actually love.

But now, I didn't like the idea of a partner. I never had time. I was always a busy man- especially being an executive in the Mafia. I had tried to at one point, but I couldn't truly love someone. It was just fake. I stopped trying and so did the other person as soon as I did- which meant they didn't love me either.

Sex didn't help. Yes, it felt good- but only for awhile. It wasn't the feeling I was looking for to replace the loneliness.

Her ability was my only chance.

-
[time skip to two weeks on a Thursday]

My goal was to befriend her, get close, get to know her and try to see if she'd do it. The only way I knew if I was close enough to her is if she'd show me her actual emotions. I tried for days and days to try and talk, find something we had in common but it was almost impossible.

[Y/N] would always give me that emotionless expression replying with the same monotone voice. She was always unamused and apathetic. It almost made me want to stop trying but I just couldn't. I wanted this feeling to go away.

I was going to ask Chuuya, who had seemed to get pretty close to her. But I knew that he loved all of his subordinates and that if anything happened to them- whether it be emotionally or physically, he'd loose his mind. Chuuya did dislike me enough as it is, and I knew that if he found out my real motives he wouldn't hesitate for a second to tell her and kill me.

I had asked Odasaku to help me, he was the only one who truly understood me, someone who I trusted. I introduced him to her and eventually, Odasaku was able to get some sort of information on her ability. Oda had been someone anyone could trust, a reliable man. A man who was different from anyone from the Mafia, because he actually had a heart.

"Well, she did tell me that when she adjusts an emotion, specifically making it go away, she's suppressing it. She also can't give somebody an emotion that they've never felt before or erase one." Oda said.

I pursed my lips. It was pretty clear the reason she's so dull is because she bottling up some feelings- or that she's never felt any of them before. But of course, everyone has felt some sort of emotion. If I could get those out then maybe I could try and understand her and get her to trust me.

"It's not much of an issue then as long as she doesn't bring those emotions up," I sigh, "Unless there's some sort of limit to how much she can suppress..." I murmured as idea's started popping into my head.

"Odasaku, I need you to find out more about her past, her family, friends and whatever else you can." I said as a smile started forming on my face.

He nodded and got up, walking out of my office. I sat at my desk, waiting patiently for more information.

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone. I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

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Here another upload after like five minutes bc i skipped a few days I feel bad
oooo

if you know what song that last line is from you're amazing.