Emotions [Dazai x Reader]

My Muse

[Y/N]
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I walked around a small fair going on close by. I was going to invite Dazai, but I felt like I was being too clingy. I didn't know if he felt like that as well, but I didn't want to risk it, so I decided to go alone.

As much as I refused to do so, I had somewhat accepted my feelings. There was nothing I could do and that was that. For a few days, it was quite difficult. I didn't have control over the emotion and it was tearing me apart. I didn't know what to do. On Tuesday I attempted to get rid of the feeling on myself. It was pretty difficult to suppress it but I managed to do it.

It made things a lot easier and less painful when walking past Dazai. The emotion returned gradually as he'd occasionally wink at me or do something silly when we'd see each other.

I was walking around today to see if I could get some sort of idea for a gift to give him. I passed by plants, stuffed animals, small fish, and many other things. They were all interesting and I had lost track of time due to being distracted by almost everything. It was all very cool and I sort of wanted to buy a few things for him, but I didn't.

I came across a beautiful self-portrait. I was very impressed as the colors flowed beautifully together. The person who did the art piece had made it look very realistic. Nostalgia hit me as I remembered when I used to draw- back when I had interest in it.

I was pretty good at drawing, even though it took so much time and effort, the end result was always the best. That was the one thing I always did to let out my emotions. Whenever I was sad, or angry, I resorted to drawing.

I start walking home, thinking up ideas of how I was going to draw him. What colors, the background, what I was going to write, what message I wanted it to project to him. My mind flooded with ideas as I got home.

I sat at my desk and pulled out a drawer with my old art supplies. I took everything out, I mostly had hundreds of colored pencils, a few deferent kinds of pencils and a notebook.

I stared momentarily at a white blank sheet of paper before sketching something out. I erased and sketched over and over again, trying to draw something that I felt was right. It was my first time drawing something happy so it was difficult trying to use colors that represent that instead of sadness.

Eventually I ended up with a sketch that seemed suitable. I began the slow process of doing everything with a very light graphite pencil. I loved doing realistic drawings, they were quite a challenge but they were fun and entertaining. A great way to pass time.

I spent who knows how long just sketching out his face and most of the background. It was 5 o'clock when I had started this drawing, and when I stopped, it was 2 in the morning.

I got up and set my pencil down. I got myself ready for bed, knowing damn well that the next few days were going to be tiring and slow.

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[The next day]

I was focusing a lot on Dazai's drawing, that I hadn't been spending nearly as much time as I did with Dazai anymore.

My only goal was to impress him, get a look of amusement from something other than my abilities. Especially from him. It was all he seemed to care about and I wanted to change that. I had to deny some of his requests to hang out. He never seemed to care about what I was doing so he never questioned it. It made hiding what I was doing pretty easy, but I felt kind of bad.

I leaned back from my seat, taking a break from shading. Distorted memories from being drunk that one night I went out with Dazai came back to me.

All I remembered was something glitched. I did something to him but I couldn't remember what it was. I knew it made him happy, he asked me something.

I tried really hard to remember what happened. Words were mixed up and I was sort of scared. I just hoped I didn't say anything that would give him the slightest idea of what he could do now that we were together.

Dazai could do so much damage to me and everyone else around us if he knew the power that he had right in his hands.

I shook the thought out of my head and continued drawing. I was somewhat close to finishing, all I had to color next was the background.

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I'm posting another chapter bc this ones kinda boring but it's to get an idea of what's going on inside your pretty little head