Numb Pain

Chapter 13

Lyrics used:

Story of Us - Taylor Swift

Beating Heart - Ellie Goulding [featured right]

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JAI'S POV:

I don't know when or how I manage to wake myself, but I do. I groan in displeasure. How can I be so close to death but always manage to walk away unscathed? My body aches with the need for love. The airbag is in my face as I try to extract myself from the seat. I know that my car will be a write-off by now, so I abandon it without recognition of the damage. I slip from the wreckage and stare at the other person's vehicle. The same guy that took Ellie from my grip straggles from the car. I glower harshly. "You should be more careful. Next time it could be worse than the beating you took yesterday."  I push past him and make for the homely streets of London. I completely forget the purpose that has spontaneously inspired me to go to her. Why should I, only to be rejected once more?

~~~~~

I seem to lose my sense of direction as I walk home. I know there is no use in going to the hospital now. She hates me. I've lost her, my life is over. I stumble down to the shop, buying a bottle of whiskey. I wander back to the horror house in my numb stance. As I fall through the door, I throw myself down on the couch and begin to drink away my troubles. Yet it only makes me more desperate. I look at the label on the whiskey bottle and throw it against the wall. The bottle smashes and leaves alcohol dripping from the wallpaper. Standing up, tears leak from my ducts. I punch the wall relentlessly, carving a hole for my fist, before I fall against it. I am worthless. I am nothing. My mother didn't want me, my dad didn't love me and Ellie is on death's door because of me. I know she will tell them everything, and I'll go to prison. Right now, I don't even fight that idea. Maybe the inmates can finish what I never managed to. My life.

And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

I cannot stomach looking at the old photos of us, and instead I throw them at the wall, painting them with photographs of our childhood days. Of times that we were happy. The glass breaks and the photos detach from their frames. I race up the stairs and begin to trash it. My eyes widen in madness and I destroy the vanity table, throwing things from it. I crumple to my knees, my chest spluttering for air from the sudden activity. My hands stop the destruction as I know it's no use. She won't love me because I've wrecked the house. She won't love me because I've broken our memories. She won't love me. My eye catches something beneath the bed and I reach for it. It is my favourite photo of us. I drag my thumb across her face lovingly, yet I grimace. Why is it under the bed? What the fuck? I toss it to the side. Looking up, my eyes target her memory box. I grab it. I knead the teddybear with my fingers, and wafts of her perfume reach my nose. My cheeks flush as I realise tears are once again prickling my eyes. I never cry...yet somehow my past has caught up with my emotions. I clasp the jewellery box and open it. It plays a sweet lullaby as the ballerina revolves. I keep the bear next to me as I crawl into the bed and listen to it, lulling me to sleep. I am barely twenty-two years of age and here I am, curling up with a bear and listening to her memories as they flood mine. I feel my childhood seep in slowly, of my abandonment. I had never had a teddybear, or even parents really. I had lived on my own two feet most of my life, and never heard the beautiful words of 'I love you' from my mother's mouth. My mind falls into the abyss and I am, once again, dead to the world.

Wanna hear your beating heart tonight, and hear my beating heart one last time...

When I awake it is still dark. I do not know what time it is. I drag myself from the bed sheets and clamber downstairs in my crumpled clothing, the teddybear gripped strongly in my hand. As I have no car, I walk. Stumbling through the deserted streets, I stop off and buy yet more alcohol. I receive some odd looks from the customers and cashier, as here I am holding a toy whilst looking like a mess. I bite the top off of the bottle, spitting out the lid and take a long drag of my antidote.

~~~~~

When I finally reach my destination, the night stars twinkle behind it. I climb the building's fire exit and stand at the top. It is a tall building and I begin to walk dangerously close to the kerb edge of it, contemplating my life as I take gulps from the bottle. My steps become more and more hard to place yet I carry on. I look at the teddybear clutched in my hand and I tremble. Me and Ellie used to sit up here on lonely nights like these, watching the lights slowly fade as we talked until the sun came up. I'd give her my jacket when she shivered, hold her as the sun peeped from beyond the skyscrapers. These were the times that she laughed, smiled. Not anymore. A slow tear trots down my face. I am all to blame. I want to go to her, but every time I reach her, she runs.

One last time...

I glance down at the kerb of the building, swivelling my foot into the unknown. I think about it for a moment, about ending my suffering. Staring down at the streets below, I wonder why. Why did I turn out this way? Why couldn't I have a happy ending? I grimace and carry on walking the top of the building, consumed with alcohol as I do so. I look up at the sky. "Please look after her..." I say and that's when I go to jump. But something stops me. I turn, and looking at me is a the same figure that I'd crashed into. The same man that had come to my house. I stop and turn, yet my aggression is enveloped by sadness. "Nobody cares..." I mutter, "I'M JAI PETERS" I call out to the night, lifting my arms to the skies and throwing my head back before dropping my heavy limbs to my sides. I teeter towards the edge, my balance corrupted by alcohol streaming through my body. "And nobody wants to hear it..." I finish, tipping back my bottle as I drink. He doesn't offer an immediate reply, and I turn my back on him. Another person that doesn't understand. Another person that thinks I'm crazy, that I belong in a padded room. I stare out to the horizon, to the busy roads below.

"Look, I don't know what the deal is with you, but you need to step away from the edge. It's dangerous."

I swivel to face him. His eyes pierce mine, holding my contact. "What's the point? Ellie doesn't love me and you must fucking hate me." I say, blowing softly onto the top of the bottle as I go to press it to my plump lips. I let it dangle away for a moment and let out a laugh. "You keep showing up, promising all of these things for my woman and I don't even know your name. Didn't anybody ever teach you it's wrong to take other people's possessions?" I antagonise him, waiting expectantly for the reaction. To be honest, it could go two ways. He can either leave me here to wallow in my self-pity or he can get physical again. I'm beyond caring about what happens, so I venture into unknown territory with this familiar stranger.

"My name's Ethan. Didn't anybody ever teach you never to beat up women?" I can feel his glare burning into my back as he bites at my bait.

"Just think of me when she's laying in your bed." My face twists into a smirk .

"Whatever. She's probably fighting for her life and all you can do is sit here and moan about your life. I'm going to see her." I hear the footsteps echo as he walks away. They are quick and receding. I look over my shoulder to find him exiting the roof. Suddenly, he stops and addresses me. "Oh, and Jai? Don't throw yourself off of the building, because I'll be the one picking up the pieces of her broken heart." He says with a defiant look. I have no idea how he's even managed to find me, but I ignore the tone in his voice.

"Or she'll be picking up mine." I whisper to myself, lowering my head. I was once again alone. It's becoming a regular feeling. Bitter, resentful, craving for attention. I do love her, with all of my heart. But the feeling is no longer reciprocated, and that's the point where my time is up.