Numb Pain

Chapter 30

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Lyrics used:

Stay With Me - Sam Smith [featured right]

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ELLIE'S POV:

"Ethan...lay with me tonight...please?" I ask feebly as we sip at the warm concoction brewing in our heated palms. I am almost too shy to look at him and gauge a reaction to my sudden question. Instead, his eyes bore into mine. They relay longing but also hurt beneath that glassy gaze. I avert my stare back to the churning liquid in my cup, my cheeks growing crimson. "I don't mean to sound forward. I'm...frightened Ethan." My voice cracks and my bottom lip threatens to tremble. Ethan seems to understand at that point, yet he tries to hide the disappointed sigh that escapes his lips. His halo of hair dips and he glares down at the floor for a few moments before I am met with a nod.

"Of course Ellie." His tone is clipped and I think it is best to indulge in the silence that follows. I don't want to push this man away after all of the hardships we have survived. He is the only soldier in my life, the only one that stops me from becoming clinically insane. Without him, I probably wouldn't even have the motivation to breathe. Sure, George is the apple of my eye, but Ethan is the one that stops me from abandoning both of our lives to be with Jai. Maybe that's selfish of me. Who am I kidding? Of course it's selfish. I shouldn't be sentencing my own child to heaven when he's barely seen the daylight. His twin never even had the chance to open her eyes. What kind of mother am I?

~~~

That night, I climb gingerly into the bed, slipping beneath the sheets. I hear Ethan lay George into his cot, destined for a peaceful slumber. Ethan seems hesitant to join me, his movements quiet and slow. I roll onto my side and allow him a smile of encouragement. It is all very innocent. I do not want to bed the man. I merely want to feel his presence whilst I sleep. Ethan slides cautiously towards me, shuffling closer before he wraps his arm protectively around my middle. I relax beneath his hold and become enveloped in the warmth of his body. His scent is mixed with musk and the cologne he must've applied this morning. It is luxurious to my senses. I snuggle into the pillow and dare to close my eyes. It occurs to me that I haven't felt somebody's else's heat against my bones since Jai. Ethan has already surrendered himself to the darkness, and it isn't long before I hear his faint snores. I smile to myself, and it is the first time that I have ever felt safe since the day of Jai's suicide.

Why am I so emotional?

No, it's not a good look, gain some self-control

And deep down I know this never works

But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt

~~~

The next morning, I awake pleasantly. My face feels refreshed, eyes cracking open to filter the light in. A warm grin tugs at my lips as I remember the man beside me, and I turn to meet his face. My eyes trace his jawline and I realise how close we are in proximity as his breath fans my face.

An overwhelming fear grips me, and I pull back. Ethan stirs but doesn't make an effort to awaken. My gaze flickers to the man who stands over the bed, his shadow cast onto the sheets. As my body becomes completely frozen, I can only stare helplessly at what he loosely holds. A knife dangles from his grip and insanity creeps across his face as he notices my realisation. Jai lifts the knife to his lips and plants a kiss on the cold, hard metal. My mouth gapes and I can't seem to string a sentence together. His mouth curls into a smile and he teeters the knife's point onto Ethan's shoulder, dragging it lightly across his arm. It is not enough to draw blood, but Jai locks eye contact with me throughout the silent torture. Ethan is utterly oblivious to the treachery that is being forced upon him, and I can only plead that Jai will offer him mercy.