Numb Pain

Chapter 16

Thank you all so much for voting, and we are now at 30 votes! To think we used to struggle to even get one, now we're at thirty! Heavy emotions are felt through this chapter, especially after Jai's death. Were you expecting that? 

Lyrics used:

Say Something - A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera [featured right]

You'll Be In My Heart - Phil Collins

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ELLIE'S POV:

"I'm so sorry, Ellie..." it's the last I hear before my mind blanks out, suddenly void of valid thoughts and phrases. He's gone. He's gone and it's my fault. All my fucking fault. I can barely speak as Ethan's gaze falters and he stares at the floor. Shaking overcomes my body and Ethan grips my hand in a hopeless effort to steady me. He looks at me expectantly, as if telling me to speak, to say something. Words float relentlessly in my head, though I feel if I open my mouth I will only vomit. I squint my eyes shut, hopelessly believing that when I open them again everything will be back to normal. Jai will love me again. He'll be my JaiJai, I'll be his Ellie-bear. We'll have picnics under the stars and kisses in the rain. It was all a nightmare, it was all a nightmare.

"It was all a nightmare." I open my eyes again, but I still lay in the hospital bed, staring through blurred tears at the blank white wall, Ethan's cold fingers gripping my palm.

He shakes his head, and his voice breaks, "No, Ellie...this is real."

A solitary tear finds its way across my bruised purple cheek, and I daren't brush it off. Minutes, hours pass, Ethan sat by my side, forever gripping my hand, as I stare at the ceiling. Only when the relief of night washes over again, does the trembling give up and leave my body near lifeless. I flutter my eyes closed, just lightly. My face creases, fighting against the torrent of tears that bites at the back of my eyes. The tears fall, hot and heavy, across my battered flesh. I don't fight it. I can't fight it. Whenever I thought I was lost in the past, I was wrong. Now, now more than ever, I need him. I need my monster to be the glowing red light in the dark, threatening, menacing, but showing me where to go. But my light has faded. He's gone, he's gone. Suddenly I find my breath caught in my chest, and I choke against nothing. My body wracks itself with panic, and grief-stricken tears flood themselves across my face. Ethan lets go of my hand, and suddenly he's sat on my bed, his thumb on my cheek.

"Ellie, Ellie...?" his voice is fearful as he caresses my skin softly, willing me to calm down. The breaths still refuse to grace my lungs, instead halting in my throat and denying me the oxygen I so desperately need. Ethan cries out for help, and I sink back into a shelter of the unknown, still perilously clinging to the faith that everything is just a bad dream. Nurses and doctors rush to my side, and I scream out, their faces contorted into menacing sneers as they prod at my throbbing limbs. I shut my eyes to the all too familiar prick of a needle, throwing myself at the chance of undisturbed sleep. Maybe when I wake up, I'll be at home. He'll be there to greet me, to love me. Everything will work out...it's not the end.

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The hours merge into days as I am transported into a world of darkness. Each time I wake, I remember why I'm here. I scream for him, almost disappointed when I find Ethan at my bedside. The nurses sedate me whenever I begin to give out my violent cries and hollers. My stomach has grown over the few months, surviving each attack that falls upon me. My last shred of Jai lies inside my stomach, dependent, helpless. A baby. "We'll give our children ridiculous names and we'll get that Labrador..." I mutter, remembering Jai's words from the car. I grip onto them, hopeful. Ethan stares at me worriedly as I babble incoherently and I pity him. He shouldn't have to pick up the pieces.