The Day I Stopped Hating Myself

Chapter 1 - The First Day

                   

"You sure about this, sweetie?" My mom looks at me. I can see that worried glimmer in her eyes. It has never left these last couple of months but I want it to. I so desperately want it to.

Even if I have to change schools to do so. In the midst of the school year.

My mom needs proof that I want to try again. That I want to push the reset button.

Truth is, I don't want to push the reset button. I want to push the exit button. I want out of this life.

But I can't get out of this life. Because my mom is still here, and after everything I've done to my mom, I can't leave her. I need to stay alive and make her happy.

Today is my first day at my new school. It's February. That kind of in between- month that nobody needs. It's too late to be excited for New Year and too early to want spring time. February is useless.

My mom is sending me to a small private school in the midst of Paris. Small classes. Best teachers of the country. Best pupils of course too. No failed classes. Too much money. And teenagers that are arrogant and intelligent at the same time. The worst combination.

My mom thinks it's good for me to be going to a school like that. She pretends she's doing it for my grades, but she isn't fooling anyone. She just wants to make sure I'm always being watched, and at such a small school, she can be sure of that.

We're standing in the hallway. I'm holding my new timetable in my hand and wearing my old, pink backpack from when I was twelve. I have a newer one, however, I don't want to use it. It reminds of many bad things I'm trying to forget.

Sometimes I think about what I hid in that backpack, one Friday night. And what would have happened if my father hadn't found it. I probably wouldn't be alive right now.

I smile at my mom. Always smiling, never meaning it. "I'll be fine, mom. Thanks."

I give the school's principal who's standing next to us a quick nod. He's smiling too. Everyone's smiling. No one's actually happy.

I take a deep breath, and I enter the classroom I have class at right now. Automatically, twenty teenagers turn their heads in my direction. I don't need a mirror to know my cheeks are heating up.

The teacher introduces me before putting me next to a girl that is sitting alone, doodling in her notebook.

The girl sitting next to me is interesting. She's wearing a light pink sweatshirt. And braids. It is first time I've seen a sixteen-year-old wear braids and actually pull it off. She's small, but not too small. Thin. Light brown eyes. Something about her is just so... calming. Comforting. It's like she knows the world is a mess and that she can't control it but she's fine with it. She doesn't need to control it. She just lets things happen.

This girl intrigues me. I haven't been intrigued by someone in months. It's like I'm slowly experiencing all the reasons why I used to think life was worth living for. Interesting, unique people. That was one of the reasons.

I want to ask for her name, but my lips stay sealed. She probably doesn't want to be friends with me anyways. I decide to focus on the class, and completely forget about the girl until the bell rings. Then, the girl stands up and looks at me expectedly.

I raise my eyebrows at her. What does she want?

"So, are you coming?" the girl asks me. Something in the tone of her voice tells me it's not really a question.

"Where?" I ask.

She tilts her head and looks at me, surprised that I would even ask something like this. Was my answer to her question wrong? I have no idea. I don't know how to speak "teenager" anymore.