I don't hear from Wilmer the weeks to follow. Not a single word. I try to call, text, even DM him on Twitter but nothing. He hasn't even tried to pick up his things yet. I haven't talked to Naya since that morning as well. I don't even know where I would begin with her. I haven't seen her either since I've been doing some promo and performances on my break from filming. They don't need me until the next episode and I'm thankful for that because I don't think my brain or my heart could take anymore distress being in Naya's presence. I'm pretty sure I've screwed up things beyond repair and maybe I just need to accept that.
Tonight I was performing at the LA County Fair, and being on stage tonight is the most free I've felt in weeks. It's the most free I've felt since that night with Naya. Singing was the best form of therapy for me, I pour my heart out into the lyrics. Sometimes it's difficult, like tonight when I sang Nightingale. I couldn't hold back the tears singing up to my late father. I hate that I didn't get to tell him I love him before he passed. My stubborn little heart just had to hold on to that grudge and he was gone before I had the chance to let go of it. Although we didn't have the best relationship, I still miss him. Especially during these past weeks I've spent alone. Last night I slept in his shirt, desperate to just connect with him in any way. And I cried to him. He may not have been there physically but I hoped that he heard me. I told him everything, I told him about Naya and Wilmer and prayed afterwards that he still thought of me as his little partner by the time I was finished.
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But as much as I wanted to forget about the mess with Wilmer and Naya tonight, I couldn't. It all came crashing back down on me as I sang my cover of "Stay" by Rihanna. It brought me back to that night, that night when I first kissed Naya for real and not for my character on Glee. That night is where it all started and as I belted out the lyrics, I remembered Naya asking me to stay that night. Her just being her dorky, cute self as she sang to me, 'I want you to stayyyy.' And that did it for me. In the middle of holding my note at the end of the song I felt an ache in my heart, wanting to go back to that moment. Wishing that I didn't ruin things with her by walking away that first night. Or ruining my second chance the night after. I royally fucked up. I should have stayed.
Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move Makes me feel like I can't live without you. It takes me all the way. I want you to stay, stay. I want you to stay, oh.
"You killed it with the vocals tonight, Demi." Marissa and I were driving back from the fair, top down, music blasting. Much needed time with my best friend.
"Thanks Riss." I smile, keeping my eyes on the road.
"Especially in Nightingale and Stay. Oh my god, STAY. Best version of it you've done by far." My smile drops a little as I'm brought back to that place on stage singing Stay and I know Marissa catches it. "You were thinking about him weren't you?"
"Not exactly..."
"You still haven't told me what happened with you two. Talk to me Demi..."
"It's complicated. And long." I sigh, running a had through my hair.
"Well it's just you and me tonight, so you've got plenty of time to explain." It took a few minutes to gather my thoughts and Marissa allowed me to. She didn't rush me, she just sat their patiently waiting with open ears.
"I really fucked up Marissa." I wasn't sure where to begin and that was the only thing running through my head for hours. "I, uh, I..." I've lost two people already, what would Marissa think if I tell her? Would she leave me too? I don't think I could lose my best friend over all of this.
"Just spit it out Demi...it's okay. You know I'm here for you no matter what."
"I...I ch-cheated on Wilmer." I could see her shift her weight from the corner of my eye. I know this is shocking to her, she knows I've never been that kind of girl. I may have played guys in the past but she knows I would never pull anything like this.
"With who...?" She asked quietly.
"N-Naya." I could see her mouth drop open and despite the seriousness of the situation I had to hold back a giggle.
"Go on..." She finally said after a few moments and I did. I started from the beginning and told her everything. Through it, I'm reminded why this girl has been my best friend since forever. She listened, she listened to every word of it and didn't interrupt me once. And as I finished we pulled up to my apartment. I park and shut off the car but we both don't move. I wait anxiously for her to process the whole thing and in that time it all hits me again at once and soon there are tears streaming down my face.
"Hey, hey don't cry. It's going to be okay..." Marissa immediately throws an arm around my shoulder and pulls me towards her.
"I'm just so fucking confused Riss, I don't know what to do." I sob, trying to wipe my tears in the process. She rubs my arm to comfort me.
"You just gotta follow your heart Dem...as cheesy as that sounds."
"I don't know what my heart is telling me..." She sighs and pushes my hair out of my face.
"I think you do know Demi....you're just too scared to accept what your heart wants." I don't say anything to that because she's right. I know I want Naya, I know it in my heart that I want her. "I know you're scared Demi...and you may not have handle things in the best way but I know you. I know underneath you had the best intentions but you're always so scared to let people see it. Let hersee it."
"Wait, how do you...?" How did she know it was Naya I wanted, not Wilmer. It could have gone either way.
"Demi, I'm your best friend. I know."
"And you're okay with it...?"
"Are you kidding me? I've been wanting a gay friend and now I have one!" And for the first time in weeks I let out a burst of laughter and it feels so good. I could always count on Marissa to ruin a moment like this with a comment like that. "But in all seriousness Demi, you know I love you and that's not ever going to change because of who you love."
"Thanks Riss...I love you too. You're the best." I give her a squeeze, so thankful to have her in my life.
"Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm awesome. Now let's spend the rest of the night snuggling and watching the ID channel, shall we?"
