hard times// eddie + richie // IT

emergency

SUICIDE TRIGGER WARNING

a door slams from the hallway. i open my eyes and slowly roll over. there stands a sheepish looking stan.
"sorry. am i, uh, interrupting something?" stan asks, eyes widening. i realize eddie is right next to me, his arm wrapped around my waist. thank god he's still asleep.
"nope, i was just getting up," i tell him. his shoulders lower in relief. i turn away from eddie and stand up. eddie mumbles something and rolls over. i grab a bagel from the cupboard and offer one to stan. he takes it and walks to the kitchen table. stan looks almost, mature? he just seemed like he had seen enough to be an adult. i don't know. maybe it was just a vibe.
"stan?"
"yeah?" stan answers, with a mouth full of bagel.
"what was that thing you and eddie kept talking about last night? that like, run away from your problems shit?" stan rolls his eyes.
"you mean escape from reality," he corrects.
"yeah. what is it?" stan takes a deep breath.
then, he proceeds to tell me this long ass story about drinking and crazy bitches.
"so, basically what you're saying is, bill grew a pair and kissed bev, you got mad and drank your problems away at some weird ass woods club that lets children drink, and some crazy bitch is in love with you and is now threatening you and beverly?" stan nods.
"honestly, what the fuck stanley?" i finish. all of his actions seemed like something i would do. stan puts his head in his hands.
"now what?" he asks. i think about that. i pick through every part of the story, weighing out every solution.
"i think you should start at the root of this entire problem." stan looks up from his hands.
"oh, no. you don't mean-"
"beverly," i finish. stan groans.
"please god, no. anyone but her," stan complains. i crack a smile.
"we could go to bill," i tease. stan glares at me.
"like the hell i'm talking to that bastard." i laugh.
"beverly it is then." stan looks out of the window.
"i'm scared," he says, barely audible.
"i can go with you if you want?" i offer. stan gives a small smile.
"that would be great," he tells me.
from the couch, eddie rolls over and mumbles. i walk over to him, and lean so i'm just millimeters from his ear.
"me and stan are gonna go out, but keep sleeping, okay?" i whisper.
"o-okay," eddie whispers back, before rolling back over.
first, we rode to stan's house to grab some of his clothes. i stood outside his front door to make sure that girl didn't show up.
i don't hit girls, but if this bitch has a knife, i'm going ninja on her ass.
stan walked out and mounted his bike.
"let's go," he said, his voice wavering slightly. the ride through town was quiet, but i didn't mind. i enjoyed it. we turned onto beverly's street. a few houses before hers, stan stopped.
"i can't do this, richie," stan said. i realized he was trembling. he turned towards me.
"listen up stan." i was ready to give the best fucking pep talk of my life.
"you are a strong, independent jewish boy who shouldn't be held down by a girl. you're gonna put on your macho face, grow a pair, and go talk to a girl about your emotional problems. easy peasy."
damn, i should become a coach. stan laughed.
"okay, but stay here," stan told me.
"but this is not beverly's house,"
"i know, but i don't want her to see you and invite you in." i nodded in return.
"good luck, stan!" i cheered. he laughed.
"thanks," he yelled, before biking a few blocks down to beverly's apartment building. i had time to kill, so i dismounted my bike. what do people even do in their free time?

first, i tried singing. holy shit, i have the voice of a beautiful...
nothing.
a beautiful nothing because i can't sing.
i started singing a madonna song, and some old hag came out and told me if i didn't shut up she would call the police.

next, i tried to draw in the dirt. i drew this little green ogre and a donkey. huh, what art. i leave the characters in the dirt for someone else to find.

then, i tried to dance, but there was no music. i ended up just jumping around and flailing my limbs like a psychopath.
like, some lady walking down the street started lecturing her kids on the dangers of marijuana.

god stan, how long are you going to take? i mean, if you're like, getting it on up there that's cool, but do i gotta wait around? it's been at LEAST an hour.
i start to bike towards beverly's house, when i see the door open and slam. stan walks from the house, very calmly. his fists are clenched, and from here i can see that he's twitching. he bolts to his bike and gets on, and bikes away. really fast.
"stan!" i call out. but he's too fast. he just doesn't hear me, or maybe he's ignoring me. i turn my bike around and speed back to my house. i bust through the front door, where eddie is eating a bowl of corn flakes.
"stan emergency!" i scream, and eddie immediately stands up.
"oh god, what happened?" he asks.
"i'll explain on the way, but we gotta go!" i yell. eddie and i run outside and mount our bikes. i don't even bother to lock the door.
stan is a very fragile person. if he starts to fall downhill, he disappears, and i don't mean emotionally.
he will go out to the forest and watch birds for days until someone finds him and brings him back. he actually has a camp that he calls "camp miserable" for when he hides.
eddie and i speed to the edge of derry, and run through the forest, until we reach camp miserable. no signs stan has even been here. we didn't even see his bike.
"where is he?" eddie panics, and he takes a puff of his inhaler. i think back to other stan incidents. the first time he went missing, he was six. his parents flipped out, but they found him two days later, in a tree. the next few times it happened, his parents knew where he had gone. slowly, he started to set up a camp there, so he could leave if he wanted to.
i remember going to his house one day, looking for him with eddie and bill. his parents opened the door, and invited us inside.
"he's having one of his incidents again," they had told us.
"i-incidents?" bill asked,
"sometimes, if stan thinks life is too much, he leaves and goes out to the forest. we usually pick him up after a day or two." then, they handed us a map. an x was scribbled in the forest outside of derry.
"that's where you can find him," mr. uris told us. then, mr. and ms. uris looked at each other.
"you boys know stan better than anyone. i think you boys should be the one to retrieve stan from now on," they offered. we all shook our heads and left the house quickly, eager to see the place stan hid.

then, i realized where stan was.
last year, a sophomore in the high school next to our school had committed suicide. we were forced to take suicide prevention classes, where we were taught a ton of stuff.
"people commit suicide when they think they don't have a way out."
i remember stan's face when he heard that line. it was like every muscle in his face had become stone, and he was quiet for the rest of the day.
a month or so later, stan had one of his incidents. this time, we didn't find him at camp miserable. instead, we found a suicide note. he was going to jump off of the kissing bridge. we biked as fast as our wheels would take us to the kissing bridge, and found him just in time. there he stood, on the railing, ready to die. it was hard, and he told us he wasn't gonna do it again. he also asked us not to tell his parents, so we didn't. god, we were dumb.
"he's at the kissing bridge!" i screamed. eddie nodded and started pedaling, faster. i could see he was holding back tears. it was hard for eddie the last time stan tried to commit suicide.
"why would anyone want to die?" eddie had asked me, through tears.
"their lives are just too hard," i told him.
our bikes skidded against the road, but we didn't care. branches slapped every inch of my body, but i continued to run through the forest. just like last time, there stan stood, on the railing, ready to die. this time, though, it was different.
because we didn't get to call out his name.

because we watched his body fall off of the bridge.