UNIVERSITY SECRET FILES

That Should Be Me

Do you still remember how happy we used to be, back then when everything was still as perfect as who you are?

We were so happy. Being with you was the best years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds of my life.

We have a perfect relationship that every couple would wish for. Engineer ako, Accountant ka. We can do whatever we want and we can go wherever we want.

Bilang natin lahat ng nunal sa katawan ng bawat isa at kabisado ang amoy ng hininga nating dalawa.

We have travelled almost every corner of the world together.

Sabi nga nila, singsing na lang ang kulang.

But then, I cheated on you. I realized that we shouldn't be together. And I have to do it to protect you from me.

Kaya naman I decided to hook up with other girls for you to hate me and break up with me. I want to give you as much reason as I can, for you to break up with me.

But it didn't work. Ayaw mong makipag hiwalay sakin at binigyan mo pa ako ng isa pang pagkakataon.

It pains me even more knowing that you are willing to give me a second chance despite of what I did. I was a jerk. I don't want to do it but I pushed you away. I have to.

I want to punch myself for telling you that I wasn't happy with you anymore when in fact, I was the happiest man alive knowing that I am loved by the woman I love.

But I let it slip my mouth. I told you that I'm not happy with you anymore and it was the biggest lie I've ever said in my whole life.

I love you so much and I pushed you away because I felt my life slowly slipping away from me.

Yes, I found out that I had a fucking Stage four Lung cancer. And I was so terrified that I might cause you so much pain when I die knowing that you loved me as much as I did. That's why I didn't tell you and instead pushed you away.

I want you to be happy forever even if it means I have to cause you pain now.

So I hooked up with other girls in front of you so that you could hate me. So that when I die, you wouldn't be grieving for my death.

I told my parents about it and they cried with me the whole night.

Then they brought me to America hoping that I might have a better chance to survive.

At first, I refused to go because I know that I've already given up the most precious part of my life which is you.So for me, my life wouldn't be as worthy as it was before. But my parents insist.

And now, I'm not really sure if I'm happy that I've survived. Because for me, it's better to be dead than to feel numb and pained at the same time.

And now that I have survived cancer, I don't really know if I could survive each day watching you from afar with another man holding your hands and making you smile.

I should be that man holding our child's hand and yours while walking down the streets.

I should be that man planting you little kisses before you sleep because that's what you deserve.

I should be that man. But I know that I will never be that man. Not anymore. Because I gave you up.

And now I'm in my greatest regret.

I should have told you about it and let you stay by my side over the times when I needed someone to hold my hand and tell me to be strong.

But I didn't because I was too selfish to do so. I might have been that man if I did.

But seeing you happy gives me Joy more than anything else in the world and I thank him for giving you the love you deserve.

But I want you to Always remember that..

I love you,
I always have, and
I always will.

Adriane, 7-20-15