elysian

10 - acceptance

Accepting yourself and who you are as a person is not an easy task.

If it was, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this.

My therapist says I'm too mean when I talk to myself. She isn't wrong. I know I hardly encourage myself as much as I do my peers, and I know half of the criticism I give myself I would never even dream of telling my best friend.

I don't know where to start, other than make some acceptance statements, to become at peace with some of my weird quirks and things I am normally ashamed or afraid to truly admit. So, I guess I'll just do that.

I accept that I feel exceedingly lonely 95% of the time. But I also accept that I crave romance, and that I need to watch out for myself so I don't throw myself into crazy relationships that would only satisfy my lonely feeling for a little while -- I almost have a couple times, and I accept that.

I accept that I am very much bisexual. I accept that I am more attracted to men than I am women, but I accept that I am allowed to feel comfortable saying I am bisexual.

I accept that I am insanely good at AP Chemistry, a subject no one is inherently good at, but somehow I have picked it up faster and easier than anything else. I accept that I am genuinely happy when I am doing chemistry. It might make me a nerd, but if I'm happy as a nerd, then so be it. I accept that.

I accept that I have a talent with writing. It is so hard right now to not infuse some entirely demeaning words here, but I won't. I accept that I do have a way to go with learning about writing, but I also accept that for my age, I am at a level that doesn't match the number of years I've been in this world.

I accept that I listen to mainstream music. I accept that I listen to underground music. I accept that I listen to country and rap and classic rock and alternative and everything under the sun, basically. It's rare, but it makes me who I am, and I accept it.

I accept that I don't really know if I believe in God or not. I accept that I'm still on the fence about the topic, and that on the days when I do believe I am often wary. I accept that I feel guilty on those days because who gives me the right to believe whenever I want to? I accept that I am unsure. And I accept that one day I may decide I truly believe, or I may decide I don't.

I accept that sometimes it is hard for me to have flexibility. I accept that sometimes I will become angry when I am only anxious.

I accept that my anxiety tends to manifest as anger. I accept that about myself and I accept that I have to watch myself so I don't snap at someone without meaning to.

I accept that I have anxiety.

I accept that I am exceedingly afraid about love. I accept that I crave the feeling of love as much as I am terrified of it.

I accept that the trauma I experienced made me feel terrified about love and romance and men in general. I accept it because it is valid and deserves to be heard and taken seriously.

I accept that I make mistakes and I am rude sometimes and I say things I shouldn't. I accept that my dry-wit humor often makes me seem rude. I accept that I also have to watch that, so I don't say the wrong thing to someone who doesn't quite understand my humor.

I accept that I am not perfect.

But I accept that I am me, and that is enough.