elysian

21 - this time last year

a/n: this is v sappy & weird & all over the place & it's bc i am all of these things right now but i'm trying to just get through it and this helped a lil

this time last year, i was in a cabin in the mountains of Tennessee on a family christmas trip. i was stressed out of my mind trying to finish a last-minute assignment for my AP U.S. History class. i remember i had gotten my period on the drive up, so i was cramping and blinking rapidly, trying not to pass out. i remember feeling drained.

this time last year, i was one semester through junior year. i was taking the heaviest course load i had ever taken. i was running myself thin trying to keep up.

this time last year, i was grieving and lonely. i had stopped dancing months before and i was grieving the loss of the love i used to have for the sport. i was grieving the loss of the friends i used to see when i went to practice. i was lonely and spending most of my time crying.

this time last year, my sarcasm was at full-force. i know i hurt my brother's feelings many times. i don't remember if i ever apologized. i was trying to protect myself — from what, i still don't know.

this time last year, my guard was up higher than it ever had been. i was trying to keep my brave face on to prove to everyone that i was fine. leaving dance was what i wanted. i wanted to focus on school. i wanted to focus on writing. i wanted to focus on myself.

but this time last year, i had no idea what any of that meant.

this time last year, i was so unhappy. but i was in the mountains in a cabin — my happy place. i felt happy by default.

this time last year, my parents still got along.

this time last year, things were still together. for the most part.

this time last year, i had idea what i was doing with my life.

and now, one year later, i still don't.

one year later, i am still coming to terms with so much. i am still learning to love myself and still learning how to care for myself. i am still learning, and i tell myself this because i am quick to be hard on myself. because i'm not very good at loving myself. or taking care of myself. but i'm learning.

one year later, i am one semester through my senior year. halfway there. i'm taking college classes on a college campus and only taking choir at my high school.

one year later, my stress levels are lower. definitely.

but, one year later, i am still not sure where i'm going.

one year later, i've been accepted to college.

one year later, i like how i look in my fashion and my makeup.

but, one year later, and i'm still struggling to love myself in my no-makeup and no-fashion days.

but, one year later, i am still learning.

one year later, and not much has truly changed. i know i have grown as a person. grown in leaps and bounds compared to before. but i still feel like i have so much to go.

one year later, and i'm still lonely. but i have myself. and i'm trying to be okay with having myself. i'm trying to convince myself it's enough.

one year later, i'm doing better than i was last year. i will admit. even if i am not completely healed, and i have had more setbacks than i care to remember, i am still doing better. and that has to be enough.

because one year later and i'm still here.

i'm turning 18 soon. i say soon, but in less than three months.

still, i am going to turn 18.

that is something i never thought i would be able to say. or experience. but i am going to.

one year later, i still, unfortunately, deal with a lot of seasonal depression.

but one year later, i am getting a little better at managing it. writing a christmas story has helped. drowning myself in Hallmark christmas movies with my mom by my side has helped. opening up a little to my mom about being sad has helped — even if she didn't take me seriously. letting some of that weight off my chest is helping. and listening to "where are you christmas?" has been helping me cope. i had forgotten about the song until pentatonix covered it, but i relate to it now more than i ever did as a kid.

one year later, i'm getting by.

one year later, and i'm telling myself i'll be okay.

one year later, i'm trying to really believe that.

one year later

(this is from the beginning of december, but still.)