the real me

11 novembre 2017

Hello,

Dear you, dear intruder

Why are you here ? Does it even matter ?

No, you are right it doesn't - matter. If you wish to read me, I cannot stop you. 

I miss him. I miss her. I miss them. 

They are so many things that I don't deserve, but I keep taking them and not paying for it. A force, it gets easier. The burden somehow lessen, even when the bad is the same. I know that at some point it will explode and I'm so scared of that. So I don't think about it. You would say - GET UP DO SOMETHING HELP YOURSELF. Well to me, it seems impossible. And I can't blame anyone because it is ON ME. On me. I don't try hard enough, in fact I've stop trying and now I don't know how to get back on the horse. I don't know how I am going to resolve all that crap. I'm playing the ostrich game and only I can change things. ONLY ME. I hate the feeling but it is not so bad that I get up to change it. 

I am in charge. But I am no leader. I feel this energy, this voice deep down telling me that I am better than this and that if I really wanted I could do it. Everything is possible. But I'm scared and lazy. How do I feel about that? Not good, not good. I am mutilating myself, I AM. It was easier, when I was a child with discipline. I knew what I had to do and why. Now the ME is saying wtf is life? why do I continue to do something that hurts me when I am not obligated to? He's right. But he points at things and in exchange does not even give answers and solutions. I need someone to tell me what to do. I am no leader. I AM NO LEADER. 

I was... a leader. I was. But she disappear when she saw what the real world was. It was too ugly, too harsh. The candy and fluffy stuffs world with nice people, no hate or mean people does not exist. It was like a slap in the face and she left. So I was left behind with the others me. The ones that are so easy to have, the commons us. She left and I became self-conscious. And each and every year this angel disappeared more and I felt more and more alone. Today I feel on edge when thinking about being around 20 ppl around my age to talk about a course, even if I don't talk. Today I have social anxiety, yesterday I was running, singing about my two best friend that I held one in each hand. I was an happy kid. 

Society ruined me. Do you think that I will ever be happy? 

Dear me, dear I.

I hope you find peace somehow because how we feel right now...  How we feel everyday. It is not okay, it is not what life is about. I hope you made it, I hope you were brave enough. I hope it doesn't continue and that somehow you made the click.