the real me

01 March 2019

Hello,

I'd like to talk about something that I mentioned to my friend yesterday. Of course, yes, it is related to depression. Again.

I'm lonely. I'm SO lonely. And I think that it's destroying me. I'm so dependent on others. (am I not good enough to stand on my own?)

I wanted to talk about the 'wave', not sure if it is the 'depression wave' but for me it is how it feel, how it is. It comes like a sickness, you feel it coming, like a shadow or a fucking disease. You feel it growing and creeping in you slowly. In like a day you're totally infected. It does go away. But it ALWAYS come back. Sometimes it stays for weeks and it destroy you. It goes away only for a short while before it comes back. So many things trigger it. Stress, exams, seeing something on the social media, when your only 'friend' *big emphasis* don't spend time with you because their doing something else. when you don't have a distraction to shut down your mind: Loneliness. My worst enemy. 

The worst thing is the state of mind it puts you in. Because nothing is concrete. You have no proof that they're wrong. They probably are right. They ARE right on so many things. And that, that my friend is the hard part. Do you know how hard it is to realize that all the suffering that you experience is caused by no other but you? You'd say, oh that's good because at least you can put an end to it, you're in control. But I am not. I can control it, I can't even fight it, I don't know even what to do with that information. 

I know that I drown my pain, my self. I could do better, I could save myself. I could, I could, I could. So you'd ask why don't you do it? Because I am me. I am the dog that won't move until it hurts too much. So what do i do with that? (I'm thinking about all the people I knew and how I see everyday hoe much they've grown and make things happen in their life and the society). What do I do?

I am not suicidal. I don't enjoy life. I can't deny this pain inside of me does not exist. I know that I just lock it away with anything that I can get my hands on. 

I feel like a nuclear element that is barely contain, every time I reach some dangerous levels I 'sink' until I find my footing and come back up. Disaster averted. I just wished that the bottom did not exist. Then I would not have to climb back up, I would not have to feel myself suffocating. Because I suffocate but I cannot die.

Nothing is wrong with me. I just refuse to put the work into it. I'm just a lazy fuck. I won't ever fight for my life. We don't need people like me in society. I understand when people judge me. I judge me. I find myself ridiculous, stupid, not worth knowing. Did you know that in grade 1 I would use every possible way not to do my homework. Don't write them. Rip the page off. I keep telling myself that before now me, young me was a fighter with big dreams. But she was not. She cheated because she was lazy. She is me. Me now, me then, just me. I was never different. I was always me. I've been hiding being lies that I fabricated. "Society fuck me up, I was fine until I went to school", "It can't just be me, the others are the one fucking me up", "It's my family's fault".

It is no one fault. You were always like this. It is your core, the essence of yourself. You're not different, you're just not willing to put the effort needed by everyone to be alive in a society. You are not different. You don't need to wake up, you know all of that, you've known it for a long time. You make yourself a victim. You know that you're not one. No wonder that no one like you. They can probably see the bag of shit that you are. You reek of it. Now you're crying again, nothing changes with you. Do you think that they deserve you? that they deserve all that wasted time and energy. Isn't that what Chloe said? You're not worth the effort. Not worth it. All that time, every single day they supported you with their love, their money, their life. You're sucking the life out of them. 

Maybe you don't want to die. And they don't want you to die. But do you truly believe that they can see how much of a disease, of a shadow you've been and are for them? how much you take from them. You don't give much and you know that they would be better off without you in the long term. They love you, they do. And it is ruining their life. Oh yes it is. 

Look at mom she always talk about how she get sick of people talking about how much their children do and have done but what she really feel is shame and sadness, how much she would like to brag about her kid too. But she knows you really well. She knows that you won't ever do or become anything.

Isabelle you have to do this. You have to do this one single thing. Probably the hardest thing you will ever do. After it will be over, for you, for everyone. You can't let this drag on. If you won't save yourself at least do this for them. It's a really small debt for all the happiness that they gave you, all the sacrifices they made to make you, to bring you happiness. All this for you to be a fuck up...

You know what you have to do. Don't cry.