the real me

déjà 2018. Jan 29

I'm still here, 

if you're still here it means that you are still fighting, 

am i really tho ? am i ? AM I ? I'm not. I'm not trying not trying - 

I am fucking writing in the google search bar to myself, I'm crying, because I dream of a brighter life, I dream while knowing that I've stop trying, I've l 

whatever

I hate being the reason of my demise - I hate knowing about it - I hate it more than everything = because I also know that I won't/can't change - instead of using it to my advantage I'm just contemplating it 

why ? Why don't you fight for what you want ?

because you don't always know what/how your suppose to fight

because fighting is not all cherries and flowers and dreams - fighting is FIGHTING 

STOP thinking that because all heroes just do it in an instant that it is NOT That hard - STOP thinking that because it is doable it is not destroying yourself and wishing for death - STOP thinking that it is easy - 

STOP calling me weak if I don't succeed

STOP telling me I can do this 

STOP being here

I'M suffering because of ME juste me always me 

I want to be more and I can't be because of me and no NOT everything is POSSIBLE. 

Think of something that would crush you, something that you'd have to fight for, think about being there in this exact situation where all your nightmares and worst anxiety is crushing you and you have to keep being there, holding the torch and taking the hardest path with the "chance" (THE ONLY WAY NOT TO STAY HERE) of greatness - normality. Fighting every hours, not letting your thought wanders, not letting them take control, not letting the darkness take you

So I'm still here

You're still here

I'm still here

Still breathing, still trying in my own way, stil dreaming, still crying 

I love you

I'm here

I'm here

I'm here

I want a hug so bad - I want a light - another way - an easier way - I want some courage - I want to be ME again, not this me not her not the small version. I want ME - little girl me, little fighter, huge Sunshine, I want to be the sun again

We have to keep fighting and that way someday I'll be able to hold you

Let me keep flying - Sadness is my drug, my dirty little secret, it make me fly somehow, and from there I can see all the possibilities all the dreams all the life - what it means VIVRE 

That is why you keep falling deeper

I know

I hate it 

I don't know how to beat it without an EXTREME strength 

I know

I wish I would stop being me - so this mountain would be easier to beat to DESTROY to EXTERMINATE 

I wish I could open a secret door to happiness 

I wish you could too

Silence silence silence lost in thoughts

I love you 

I love you too 

Following this they disappeared until the next time 

I came back because I'm still here and I'm still hurting 

I feel for you so badly that it's destroying me too

I'm sorry

Don't be

I'm just gonna stay here until I can push them back into the box again

*Scream endlessly in the silence of her inner self*

I'm sorry