the real me

22 February 2019

I've been feeling broken. Maybe this is what depression is, feeling like a fuck up mess, a loser, a nobody, all the time.

Waking up sad and already exhausted. Going to bed early because you have no friends at least talk to, or anything that you can think about that would make you "happy".

Happy. Such a foreign word. What is happy anymore ? Is it that moment when for a brief second you forget that you are just nothing? Or is it when you wake up and do not feel so sad and broken?

I honestly don't know. I can always hide from my problems but I have learned that it only make things worse. There.is.no.escaping.yourself. 

I hate that I question everything. I question my pain, is it even legitimate? But the main question has always been the same. In my earliest memory I can remember asking myself that:

Why can't I be normal ? Why am I different ? What is wrong with me ? What's their secret ?

Questions that will never been answered. 

All my life has been about how I can make myself better and slowly learning. There is no point in thinking that you are a victim. YOU are the one to inflict this on you. Yes you DON'T want to but in the end those it matter? No. Same result. 

So why don't you change ? - they ask. Well, I'm trying, I'm just always changing myself, I've lost me. There is no me anymore. Listening to my parents talking about me as a child I don't see how she could have ever existed. Her. That happy and amazing child that had no limit to catch her dreams. 

But what is this anyway? Another break down, alone in my room? Yes. Will I wake up tomorrow and kinda smile, eat, talk, study, cry ? Yes. It's just another one of those 'episode' when the reality comes out. Yeah it's just that. 

I honestly wished that hope would just go away so I could end this. 

I'm not useful to no one, not even me. I'm just existing, breathing, consuming resources. I will always be like that, so what's the point of barely making it through and just suffering in silence? oh yeah because i'll probably get better somehow someday ? Yes hope is a b*tch don't you see? It makes you endure life. Grade 2 was when I realized things changed (7 years old) around me. Grade 4 was when I lost my best friend and switched schools later in the year. 

Grade 4 was when I first encounter the true world.

When I fet left out for the first time. When I had no one. When I told my mom how unwanted I felt. When I asked her what was wrong with me, why was I different, why did people not like me. 

9 years old me did not know that more than ten years later I'd be there still crying writing this. Things don't change. If it's who you are than it's who you are. You can cry, scream, beg it will not change. I don't know what to do but to try and keep going. 

If God really loved us he would not leave us to suffer for years with this hope, he would make life easier or would just ask us back to whatever is next. Is there even a god? 

God Can You Kill Me Please if you won't save me?