Being numb VS feeling everything
Have you ever felt like screaming your lungs out, breaking everything around you, break down crying like an hysteric person? Screaming. Screaming. Screaming.
But... you could not? you just could not move, do anything but keep breathing because that's another thing that you don't control. You're so heavy, it's like trying to move underwater, like you're walking in honey. But at the same time it is easy to move, just lift your arm up you know.
That kinda fight between the mind and the body. "Command is to move so let's do it, everything is in perfect condition" and the absent other part, lost in a fog of thoughts and 'not'-feelings, that just don't respond.
It is so hard to describe this.
You are there screaming so hard in your mind, pleading, breaking down, suffocating (like a tornado, a hurricane) but on the outside you're face is closed - people might think that you're mad or hate people.
You never know if you should say that you're numb or feeling so much because you feel both at the same time, which does not really make sense until you've experienced it.
Everything hurt but it does not at the same time. Physical / moral pain. The pain from you mind does not really hurt physically, not like when you burn yourself or have a bad fall. It hurts in the way that you feel compressed, so heavy, like there is something in your bones, in your core. You are just so tired. Everything seems like a mountain to climb. And you just want to scream: STOP, fucking stop, FUCK this, fuck life... just turn my mind off. but you cannot. In the end it's like being in a disastrous setting (idk, ppl screaming, running, getting shot idk?) but you can't move, you can only watch as life happen (without you).
What it means is that I'm here physically but I'm not really there. And being conscient of that is.. hard.
YOU ARE READING
the real me
אקראי'kind' of diary I you feel like reading depressing stuff here you go IT'S NOT A STORY - each 'chapter' is not related to another one
