the real me

09 April 2018

I still find myself missing you.

Missing us

Thinking about us. What we used to be. How we used to talk. How I looked up to you.

At night I wonder why 

Why I wasn't enough

Why I wasn't worth it

Why you didn't want to fight for me

Why you said that our relation wasn't worth the pain

I loved you

I did

Did you ?

DID YOU ?

I took me a long time to realize that you indeed did. Remember that fight when I told you that I didn't care ? You got mad and did not talk to me for months. When we made up, you told me that - you cried. You cried in that club. Cried because of me. For me. You cared. It was the only time that I recall where, I was the one hurting you. 

You've hurt me so bad and I NEVER gave up. Stupid ? Maybe. I loved you. And I though you did when you cried that night. Because after that I opened my heart to you. I gave you my all. All I had. There were no limits. I got attached way too much.

8 month later you told me in a three line text that all of this was over. So did you loved me ? At least a bit ? Did you even suffered a bit because of that break off ? 

You didn't seem too

You carried on with your life - tagging people in meme mere minutes after you send that text.

You never answer me when I ask why or when. When did you give up on us ?

You told me that I wasn't worth the pain, but your boyfriend made you cried a lot. He had so many flaws. 

I was there when you cried. I was there when you did not tell him what you though to let him win the argument and not put oil on the fire. You wanted this to work out.

You never did this for me while I did it so many time. 

I did not cause you pain. I did not. 

You never tried to be open-minded when it came to me. And you told me that I wasn't worth the pain. But he was ? 

I did everything for you. He kept hurting you. 

The me trying to make everything work out, nice, perfect was who you were with him. 

I'm not jealous, I'm mad. So mad. That while I did everything you did not want me, when you accepted people who did nothing, didn't even tried. 

I feel like a peace of garbage

I feel dirty

Did you cared ? You erased me from your life, out of the blues, left me for dead, like I did not matter after 4 years to be acknowledge. You treated me like a stranger, a stray dog you didn't wanted near you. 

No goodbye.  Nothing.  

Your speciality. Plain old good silence. 

You told me that it was stupid to do that, it would not solve anything  when - again - it was about him. Me ? All I had was silence. You never though that I was worth better than your non caring feelings ? I did not get special treatment, normal treatment, I got nothing. I was a good friend, I did tried, I did cared, but you gave me the leftovers. 

I realized that now. But damn I liked you, because you believed in me. Did you ? 

How long were you planning on letting go ?  When did you started to stop caring ? I did not saw the signs, at all. Or was it a, 'I don't need you anymore, look at my boyfriend he can replace our relationship !' moment ? What was it ? Did you even wanted for this to work out ? Did you tried ?

Or did you suffered alone because you refused to talk, than you blamed it on me, saying that I wasn't worth that pain. That pain that you caused yourself by not trying to understand my point. YOU DID NOT TRY. Try to understand how I felt, that I might suffer too. Did you cared that you hurt me ? Or was it always only about you, your pain, your life, your problem, your way of thinking ? Did you try to understand at least ? 

Did you asked me about it ? Did you confront me ? No, you never did.

You did not care, did you ?

But it doesn't matter now. I don't know how to fight for you. I don't know if I should. But I also can't stop thinking, what a waste. I want to reach out to you. Go to your house, talk to you or send you an letter, but than you'll put me that crazy-ex/friend box that you have. Your parents, your friends, your boyfriend, you, you would all laugh about me, calling me the crazy girl that 'thank god you got rid of her before she did something crazy'

Liked what ? Caring too much ?

Than you'll start to think that I am pathetic. Pathetic for caring ? The girl that would not move on.  'Get the hint you stupid girl !'

You know Chloe, I miss you. With all my heart. I don't have regrets, but I miss you. Oh I miss you. I really did wish that it had work out. Your word were so crude, so cruel, so uncaring, so detached. I though I mattered more. More than a used tissu.

Still trying to come to term with it. Will I ever be able to ? 

Maybe in another life, another time, another place we would have lasted longer.

A Dieu