the real me

2 Mai 2018

I'm usually not an attention seeker, but today this is like my last hope. I just need to see the light somewhere to keep going and around me there is nothing but darkness.

I'm 19 yr and today I learned that I failed college. I also happen to have no friend at all, not even my brothers who are too busy with their life. I'm 19 yr and I haven't created a single thing in my life, I'm at the same point as I was when I was nine. My parents are way to supportive and I feel extremely guilty, I don't know how to tell them. About a month ago my best friend (and only friend) basically told me that our relation was 'sick' and ended things, after 5 years. I never knew how to make friend and I was excluded a lot. It's still the same. I know that everything is my fault, no one else, it's me not them. And it's breaking me.

It's the summer and I feel so numb, so heavy, like walking underwater. I want to cry all the time for everything and nothing. I keep trying to find activities and way to meet people but today after that news I'm wondering what's the point in living at all. I grew up unhappy, alone, with ok grades, trying to just get through it : 'It'll get better, just wait for a new start (aka college)' that's what I told myself all the time 'it will get better'. But even there I really tried but I did not make a single friend. Today I feel like such a failure, I'm always in the 'let me die' mood, nothing makes me happy. That's the hardest. It feels like being trap in class doing things you don't like and never getting any relief (like going home, playing video games, hanging out with friend, etc..). Going outside for a walk, I just feel numb and depress about my loneliness, in my room I just feel like a failure and I can't find anything that would lift this weigh. I'm always exhausted and I try to drown the sadness by sleeping, but at night it's the hardest I really just want to wake up from being me.

Losing my friend was a big part of that sadness that I overcame with studying (but still failed yeah me) and talking with my brother. Now he is busy with his friends (since he moved back in the same town) and I have no one, not even anything to study since finals ended last week. I haven't talk to anyone face to face in such a long time I can't remember.

I'm 19 and I wonder what I did to the world to be such a failure, to hate myself so much. I don't know what to do because I can't go on like that, feeling overly depress all day, but I also don't know how to make it stop. Suicide is not an option because that's just how I am right now, I just can't. But I don't know what to do. At some point something will have to move and I just want it to get better somehow.

I writing because I don't know what else to do and it can't hurt. Maybe someone will say something that'll move me or get me to start living. Im just trying to get out of that bubble of darkness by any mean. Thanks if you read me and even replied. It's never fun to read about depress people, so thanks for being here.