Falling Into Oblivion

Part 3

~Past ~

I had lots of difficulties transferring from one school to another in the same country .

Then a civil war started , and I didn't just have to transfer to another school, but to a whole other state .

A state where not only did I not know anyone , but had whole new language to learn .

Do you know how difficult that was ?

After coming back home ( from America ) , I had almost completely closed myself from everyone except for my family .

After transferring from one school to another , I closed myself , but still hopeful that someone might reach out .

After transferring to another state , I completely closed myself off. Not wanting to give anyone a chance , not willing to lose myself and feel alone .

At 11 years old , I decided enough was enough . I'm going to save myself the pain and not befriend or try to befriend anyone at all.

And so , life became harder , obviously it was my own doing . But I didn't know that .

I couldn't even seek comfort from my own family , because my sisters were social butterflies while I was more of a butterfly turned caterpillar .

My dad wouldn't understand .

My mom was already miserable and so I couldn't , no , I refused to do anything that would make things worse .

And my brother was small .

So I found myself , alone , again . Swearing to myself that I wouldn't suffer, again .
Shutting down , again .

Again . Again . Again .

Why was life so cruel ?

~End of flashback~

<···········>Back to the present<··············>

Sometimes I feel like a stranger near my own flesh , my family .

Does anyone know how it feels like , separated from your family ?

To feel outside of your family ?

To feel as if you were on the edge , so close to tumbling and stumbling of those who you call family ?

I guarantee you that it doesn't feel nice , as you can probably imagine.

Should I tell you the amount of times I felt this way ?

Countless . So many times .

And do you want to know what I did to get rid of that feeling ?

Nothing . Because I couldn't .

That doesn't mean that I've never been happy .

I've been happy lots of times , there were simply times where I either forgot about this feeling or it was silenced, on it's minimum potency , but still there .

It may seem as if I keep complaining , complaining , complaining . But I can't help myself .

You may not understand me now , but you will , just have patience and wait for me to connect the dots .

It was hard . It is hard . It will be hard.

As you probably noticed in the phrase written earlier , I used all three times :
- Present
- Past
- Future

Do you know what happens to them , the times , whenever I feel like this ?

No ? I don't either .

Time blurs and I don't remember what happens in real life .

Sometimes I spend entire days sleeping only to wake up and wish that my miserable existence end.

But since life , the great mystery it is , a total biatch , is unfair , all I get is indifference .

One that I welcome with open arms , waiting for it to come to me without rushing to it .

Fearing that if I rush to it it will run away and leave me feeling too much , too young .

Thinking of the past , looking back , all I see is a lot of moments , some good , some bad . And surprise , surprise the bad outways the good .

Now I ask you , what should I do ?

Should I cry ?
Should I sleep ?
Should I fill the constant void I feel ?
And if yes , how should I ?

If I were a phone , currently, out of 100% , I'd be 2% , almost drained of life .

Does anybody know what happens when you phone arrives at 1%?

If not charged , it shuts down .

How shall I charge myself , if I have absolutely no will ?
How will I find a way to charge myself?

I am alone.I was alone.I will be alone.

Again . Again . Again.

What kind of life is this ?

One where I am constantly tired , constantly alone and always at 2%?

I was constantly exhausted and whenever I was able not to be exhausted , I had no will .

None at all . Nada . Zilch . Zero .

And I had no reason to change or will at all.

It's a life in which I don't want to live in .

At this point , I have three options :
- the unspeakable action
- ignoring the situation
- try and change

The first action , is a cowards way out.
The second action , is a lazy persons way out.
The third action would change the basis of my life .

It will change me down to my DNA .

I'm growing tired of this : contemplating , writing and living .

Should I stop ?
Should I continue ?
Should I ignore it ?

For now , just for now , I'll ignore it .
I've never been a coward and I never will be .

But I never said I wasn't a lazy person.

So I'm going to take the lazy persons way out and you , my dear reader , you can't judge me or understand me until you're in my exact same position.

One in which everything is hard .
One in which you have no will .
One in which I'm constantly tired .

One in which you probably won't ever be in .

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