Falling Into Oblivion

Part 4

"Everything about me is a contradiction, and so is everything about everyone else.
We are made out of oppositions; we live between two poles.
There's a philistine and a aesthete in all of us, a murder and a Saint. You don't reconcile the poles. You just recognize them "
                                     - Orson Welles

How do I feel today, you might ask?

I feel really freaking fantastic.

That was sarcastic by the way.

I love Z.

This one isn't though, sarcastic I mean .

Through all her faults and everything, I absolutely love her. No matter what she does , I love her.

But there are days, as always, and as you already know....

Days where I don't know what to do...

Today, Z told me she wanted to tell me something.

After a lot, I was informed.

She finally said what she wanted.

Can anyone guess? 

I'll insert you straight in the moment, not the best one, at least for me .

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"So, what did you want to tell me?" I say jumping on the bed

"I'd rather we be alone" she responds

"Come on, we're alone now, tell meee" I whine hoping it wasn't what I was thinking about 

After a while, she said when would tell me and she also said that this was a delicate matter so we should keep our voices low .

"So... I want you to know that I absolutely accept whatever decision you make and I won't hold it against you-" she starts saying

I could feel the dread creeping into my heart and I immediately interrupt her and tell her : " look me in the eyes, look at me straight in the eyes " I say with seriousness.

I know that this seems totally fake and impossible and stupid, but I know Z like the back of my hand and quite honestly I might have already known what she wanted to tell me.

It was just a sneaking suspicion obviously, but still I learnt the hard way to trust my gut , because that's the only thing that would save me in this world full of choices.

" I can't - she says smiling - then I'll start laughing and I need to be serious"

I take ahold of her hands and say :
"Is it Simon?"

"No"

"Is it Nick?"

"No"

"Is it Mark?"

"Yes."

I would like to remind you guys that M is mark and we all know who M was to me...

I looked at her, trying to figure out what to say, what to do, how to behave... I started rubbing circles on my eyes, a thing I do when stressed, and I absolutely did not like Z at the moment.

"He told me that he liked me and I said that I would have to ask you first because our relationship is more important... I don't know how I feel about him and if you say no, it is totally okay" she says, fast.

I did not know what to do, I did not know what to say, I did not know how to behave.

If I said no, she would say that to him, whom I remind you guys is my crush, and in turn he would not like me or hate me and she may come to resent me even though she doesn't say so.