good actions | joshua

7

[Joshua's POV]

I look back at my coffee, wondering how to tell Jieun what happened. Where should I even start? She patiently waits for my answer, probably understanding that it's hard to tell. I take a deep breath before starting.

"I'm depressed because my previous girlfriend cheated on me," I introduce the topic. She waits for me to continue without saying a word.

"I guess it started two years ago, but I only found out recently. Two years ago, I decided to do my military service. I thought 'the sooner, the better.' That way, it would already be done, and I could simply enjoy the rest of my life without worrying about it anymore." I drink a bit of my coffee before continuing.

"I had been dating that girl for half a year before enlisting. I truly loved her, so leaving for the army was sad, but I promised to call and to write to her often. She would answer about once on three calls. I thought it was because she was busy... her job was important for her after all," I add up. I stop talking for a short while, as I formulate my next sentence in my head.

"When I came back about a month and a half ago, she confirmed that it was because of her job. I had accepted that explanation, but two weeks ago a friend from the army sent me a text saying his own friend was dating the girl I had showed him in photos. He even sent me a screenshot of their conversation in which his friend had sent a pic of my ex-girlfriend." I stop and take a look at her to see if my story made her uncomfortable or anything. She doesn't seem to be. Something in her expression tells me that she cares about me and about what happened, too.

"I confronted her about it, and she laughed. She said she had actually cheated many times during my enlistment and that I was simply really naïve. I broke up with her after that..." I emphasize the 'laughed' and finish up my explanation.

My throat feels dry from talking about this sensitive topic, so I finish up my coffee. As if searching for the right words, she doesn't reply immediately. She seems to truly understand my pain, though, which reassures me. I play with the collar of my gray turtleneck, nervously.

"That must have been hard for you. I'm sorry you had to go through this," she sympathizes with me. I sigh.

Unlike my ex, I was truly in love at the time, which is probably why it hurts so much even now. All those happy memories... I can only look at them with pain now.

The fact that she had cheated during my enlistment also made it two times worse for me. It had been two years... such a long wait. I was always happy when I could finally see her during our days off, or every time we talked on the phone. I would think about her when I felt depressed, sad, when I felt like giving up, or when I felt like complaining. She had been my motivation throughout it all. Yet, all of it was for nothing. All of it was fake; everything she said about loving me was fake, and it tore my heart into pieces.

I came home to a lie. It wasn't my home anymore. It felt so far from it because I had considered her a part of it. Now that she is gone, it feels so empty, just like my heart... My apartment constantly has her scent. I think it's me imagining it, but it still disturbs my sleep so much.

But slowly, as I open the door for someone else, her scent might disappear.