I'm Not Okay [UsUk]

Something's Wrong

Alfred felt absolutely miserable.

A massive, endless and unstoppable chain of thoughts was wrapped around his mind and kept him almost paralyzed as he stared at the ceiling, a strange feeling of numbness taking over his body. He wasn't able to work, study, practise piano or think properly, and he felt so... Alone.

Matthew and his father went grocery shopping, leaving the boy alone at home since he wasn't allowed to even glance at the outside world. Not that he was able to in the first place.
After the two left the house, he couldn't help but drown his pain in the bathroom, needing only some personal space and a small, sharp object, but his own deeds left him feeling nothing but broken. And he couldn't stop.

In four very simple words - Alfred hit rock bottom. He hated himself like never before, despised life and looked for irrational reasons why he deserved everything that was happening to him.
He was tired. Tired of the constant yelling, orders, commands, violence and the destructive, killing behaviour in a family that should have been so perfect, and used to be so loving. What happened to that? Where had the love gone, and at which point did it turn into hatred?

Suddenly, he wanted to abandon everything he had ever dreamed about. He felt as if his life was a worthless piece of paper which just needs to be ripped apart and thrown away, without any meaning.
In the back of his mind, there was a faint sound of music. C minor. With each chord he could hear, he felt himself break down more and more, the overwhelming sensitivity causing him to slowly, and silently... Cry.

Isolation. A word that reminded him of nothing but his misery. Gradually, he was drifting apart from his only friends, even if it didn't seem like that on first sight. Distancing was the only way of protecting his secrets, and not getting in trouble at home as much as he usually did.
But, he didn't want that.
With all his heart and soul he loved his friends, and nothing could change that.

All in all, Alfred felt trapped. Trapped inside four narrow, dark walls which were coming closer and closer, and he was losing his balance again and again, out of breath and out of everyone's sight.

Keeping a happy mask on for the outside world began to be an exhausting piece of work, and it was just a matter of time when he'd accidentally let go of his false face, spilling his secrets, emotions and life to somebody else.

He wondered how good it would be to just not exist at all, to be deleted from memory and the universe as if nothing ever happened.

Unexpectedly, his sorrowful thinking was interrupted by the awfully loud ringtone of his cell phone, and he didn't know whether to pick it up or not. The phone was all the way on the desk, and he had very little energy - but decided to get it anyway. Who knew, it might be important.

Fatigue gracing his every movement, he got up with a sigh and grabbed the needed item which stood right next to an unopened biology book. A great reminder about a thing he wasn't planning on reading any time soon.

The caller was no one else but Arthur Kirkland. Clearing his throat a little and wiping off the tears from his face, he swiped to answer the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Alfred! I was wondering... I know you already denied Elizabeta's invitation today but... Do you want to meet up? My place is free, we can do whatever."

"I-I'd love to, but I'm not allowed to." Alfred's voice was still a little bit shaky, and the boy on the other line noticed that immediately.

"Alfred, are you alright?" He asked, frowning in worry.

"Yes, why?"

"You sound like you've been crying."

That's because I have. But I can't say that, right?