I'm Not Okay [UsUk]

Barely Conscious

"I can't believe him..." Arthur stood outside the door of a hospital room, more specifically, the hospital room where Alfred was placed in after his failed attempt at ending his life. "I thought he wouldn't go that far."

The Brit seemed to remain as calm as possible, but he really wasn't. On the inside, he was burning and boiling, blaming himself for not being there to stop him from doing something stupid. He silently cried, wiping off his tears constantly so they would go unnoticed, and fidgeting with a small piece of paper in his hands - the note Alfred had left before doing it. He was the one who found it on the washbasin, showing it only to Matthew. He thought it would be only fair for the brother to know about it.

Matthew didn't say a single word. Finding out his brother tried to end his existence made his mind just paralyzed, as if the world stopped spinning and the sun would never come out again. Alfred was the only broken piece of their family remaining. And if the younger lost him, he would lose everything. Just everything.
He didn't blame himself, no, but there was this new bottled up hate for their father and how he had ruined his older brother all these years to the point of making him wish he was dead, and he didn't know how to express this new found anger.

The entire family was now in the hospital waiting room, taking up almost the entire hallway. The nurse told them Alfred would live, but that didn't create a much better atmosphere. As much as they wanted him alive, they did not want him to suffer. And everyone knew that as soon as he woke up, he'd start wishing he wasn't awake... And that would break them all.

"I told you he'd rather die than get help." Matthew stated in a bitter tone, staring at the wall, sitting the closest to where Arthur was standing.

But if he goes, I go too. That's the rule. I wouldn't be able to cope.

The younger boy didn't say the thought out loud, and rather kept his emotions bottled up - somebody needed to be rational at the worst times.

"I feel like I could have done something... I'm to blame for not seeing he would go this far, I should have stayed with him at home today... But no! I-I went to school, I left him alone." Arthur could barely hold back anymore. He tried staying calm since he got the news of what happened, but at this point his mind was already on the edge. He couldn't hide the tears anymore. "He could have died. I don't... I don't want to think about it."

"But he's still alive so can we stop talking?!" Matthew snapped at the other, surprising everyone around him. He was usually always shy and quiet, but with this new rage inside of him it was difficult not to lash out and punch a wall.

"Sorry." Arthur whispered, blinking away more tears and letting out a long exhale as he kept pacing around the hall.
The family wanted to stay there just a little bit longer, even though the doctors told them Alfred would probably not wake up until tomorrow.

He wasn't in the best state, but it was important that he was still... Breathing.

- - -

Tuesday

Alfred woke up once again in an unfamiliar area, feeling awfully heavy and entirely in pain. At first, he could barely open his eyes, blinking a few times to chase the blur away and look around to understand where this new place was. He was met with a whole lot of white - white walls, a desk, curtains and the bedsheets that he was covered with. Only soft light crept from the outside world, illuminating the room naturally and making it feel brighter than it actually was.

It was Tuesday already, only two in the afternoon.

"Am I dead?" He muttered tiredly, shifting just slightly on an unknown surface which seemed like quite a comfortable bed.