I'm Not Okay [UsUk]

[Author's Note]

Hello, my beautiful, wonderful readers!

We have, unfortunately, reached the end of this story as well. But let's not cry because it's over, and instead smile because it happened! A positive outlook on life is the most important thing next to love. Although when you think about it, those two do go together.

Anyway, I must tell you, I haven't enjoyed writing a story this much in a long, long time. I believe I put my heart and soul into it, and lost my mind in the process. (That was a quote by Vincent van Gogh, by the way. And it's one of the most beautiful sentences ever.)

In a wonderful way, of course.

I must also feel a little proud, since this is my longest work ever written. About two times the length of A Million Voices. Even if it has the same amount of chapters, each chapter is double the size. So, am I allowed to be proud? I think so. At least a tiny bit, if nothing else.

So, what I wanted to show in this story - even though I haven't lived such a long life, that doesn't mean I didn't get to experience a lot of bad and good things. In fact, I experienced countless of those. But that's not the point, I'm going off topic like I always do.
I talk to a lot of people here on the Internet, and the majority of my friends feel hopeless, struggle with bad mental health and believe that they don't belong here, that they will never get better. That hurts me, to hear that. So with this story, through these characters familiar to many of you, I wanted to show you that it does get better. No matter what you might think right now, light really does start shining again.

I would know. I'm still trying to recover, since I've had mental health issues for the past three years and even more. My best friend did as well. She hurt herself, shut herself out, isolated, and suffered from emotional abuse from her own mother. And at school, it brought her nothing but even more suffering. So you can say that this story isn't just my experience, but also hers as well.
I had other issues regarding family, but it wasn't anything like that. So when she finally told me what was happening, I was broken to hear that. I guess I'm too empathetic, to that point where I will start drowning in other people's wounds as if they are my own. That's not good, and it ruins me even more.

Right now, I'm trying not to hurt myself. I'm trying my best. But since I've made a promise to several people that I will not do it - and I don't break promises - then I really won't do it.

But not everything is bad. Let's stop for a moment and think of all the good things that have happened. And I know what you may think: "Oh, well Alex, nothing good has ever happened in my life!" That's not true. I know it isn't. It might have been terrible most of the time, but think of that one joke your friend told you that made you laugh. Think of the first time you spotted a leaf in autumn fall right in front of your feet, and you picked it up, examining its beauty. Think of the first time you saw snow, or the first time you looked through the window and woke up to sunshine.

Cherish the smallest moments. Just like Alfred and Arthur cherish the evening sky - you do, too. Put it into words, into music, a painting or something completely different.

I'm not a psychologist. Though I adore helping people, sympathizing with them and trying to make them understand their emotions, I'm not a psychologist. I'm a musician. I want to make people smile with my music, because I know music is the thing that keeps me alive.
One day, I felt so utterly miserable I wanted to disappear, then I listened to one of my favourite songs and at least a tiny bit of life returned to my soul. I want to be able to do that. For a person that feels down to freely listen to my music and... Feel better?

I really hope I do that in my life.

Anyway, this might have been the longest last-chapter-author-note that I've ever done, so...

You already know what follows.

*double clap* Music, per favore!
(For those not familiar with this, basically, I write down all music that I listened to while writing this story.)

Yiruma:
Kiss the Rain, River Flows in You, Spring Time, Fairy Tale, Sky, Painted, Farewell, Hope, It's Your Day

Red:
Pieces

Of Monsters and Men:
Love Love Love, Dirty Paws, King and Lionheart, Winter Sound, Mountain Sound, Little Talks

Ben Cocks:
So Cold

Mia:
Bezimeni, Život Nije Siv

Sleeping at Last:
Let's be honest, I listened to all of his songs while writing. I could do a whole chapter just on it.

Lucas King:
Dark Piano: Disorder, Sad Piano vol. 4 (that one is my favourite, but I've listened to them all)

Mumford & Sons:
Winter Winds, Tompkins Square Park, Lover of the Light, Roll Away Your Stone, Broken Crown, After the Storm, Reminder, Wilder Mind

Ed Sheeran:
Eraser, Happier

Dodie Clark:
6/10, You

Evanescence:
My Immortal

Christina Perri:
Human, A Thousand Years, Arms

Alan Walker:
Alone

The Cab:
Angel with a Shotgun

Thorsteinn Einarsson:
Aurora

Gavin DeGraw:
Belief

My Chemical Romance:
All the Angels, Teenagers, Mama, Dead!, Scarecrow, Bulletproof Heart, The Kids from Yesterday, Disenchanted, Summertime, and of course, I'm Not Okay

A thousand times thank you for reading this. It means the world to me, I swear!

Thank you, have a wonderful time, Merry Christmas if you celebrate it, and... That's it!

See you next time!

~Alex <3