I See You | あなたが見えています | 《 Joji 》

Part Four - Lights were the last thing I saw

"What am I going to do with this lunch and money...?" I cried to myself thinking hoplelessly about my life right now.

I peaked at the envelope which was the extra that the manager gave me and I was surprised to see such big money.

"WHAT?! Seriously how much does he care... I mean I understand that his daughter had to face a cruel fate... but still..." I looked at the money and sighed.

"This is too much... I could buy furnitures with these... Oh no..." I looked around to see and check if someone's looking at me. But gladly, the hallway was empty. So I planned on how I would spend the money wisely.

I went to electronic shops and planned to buy a cheap tv and other stuffs to fill up empty spaces inside the house.

I also planned to make a small backyard where I would put plants and dirt.

Ever since I was young, I always wanted a small garden. I've always wished to have one, cause I wanted some place to rest and someday, have someone to have a serious talk in my small garden. Often I would call this my "secret garden".

You know, just being yourself. And if I'm not that busy, maybe I'll just draw the plants and probably make songs about my secret garden.

I really am one talented person if I say so myself.

I can draw and sing, and also make music! But, there are more bigger priorities than just doing what I love.

I have to earn and live. And I think that's the hardest thing about living. Living and doing the things you need rather than what you want and love.

Only determined people do that. Me? I don't even have a goal. I just earn money, and that's it. After all the working and buying, I was still not finished yet. I still have to arrange the stuffs I bought.

I also started working on my secret garden for the first time and I was excited. But tired. But I didn't mind. I was just getting started.

//eternity hours later//

"God, I want to die already!"

The sun was already going down and the night approaches. I sat outside with my new chair and table that has an umbrella on it. (Idk what to call those lol the ones u see outside a cafe) I was really tired this time.

But I was glad the outside of my house was not empty anymore. Plants and bushes greeted me and the cold wind was brushing my hair.

Honestly, I didn't care when I got fired after the manager gave me money, and the fact that it was payday, it made me less worry. I became silent and I stared at the stars that shined before me.

There was no one outside but myself. Thoughts riddled my mind as I felt the cold wind brushing my hair and as it ripples my clothes.

The silence struck me again.

I was no longer distracted and my twisted mind starts to take over my soul. I was back in being who I really am.

A person living alone.

Depressed and stressed.

My warm tears fell down my cold cheeks. Slowly and silently. I cried yet again. Yet another lonely and cold night for me. Then I started to realize.

"It doesn't matter how much I have, I'm still alone all by myself... No matter how empty my house is, my heart will never be filled up... Never."

I cried and shouted loudly. The neighbor's dog started to bark at me as these midnight thoughts bothered me and hurted me so so much.