Uphill Battle | Solby

Chapter Five

"It's cold out here." Colby made a noncommittal noise as Sam sat beside him. The beach was quiet and calm, the breeze ruffling their hair. "Where are you, Colby?"

Colby's blue eyes seemed to glow as he turned to look at Sam. The brunette looked younger than usual, less confident. He looked lost. "I don't know Sam," he confessed. "I feel like I'm slipping away, bit by bit. I'm scared. I don't want you to lose me."

Sam furrowed his brow and reached for his boyfriend. Colby didn't move away. "I wouldn't lose you, Colby."

"How can you be sure?" He whispered. "I've let you go before. It's not easy to hold onto a person you love, Sam. Sometimes they slip away and nothing you do can keep them holding on. Sometimes, people want you to let go. It's hurts them less. Do you want me to let you go?"

"No, Colby. No. And Im not gonna let you go."

Colby huffed. "This all feels so wrong. We're different."

"Well, we are dating now."

The laugh Colby let out was strained but to Sam, it was the best thing he'd heard in a long time. "It doesn't feel like it," Colby admitted. "In fact, it feels worse than before. At least before, we didn't have to worry about everyone else. We knew each other. Now....now it feels like I know nothing."

Sam choked on the tears bubbling up. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I-I'm the reason you can't sleep at night. I was selfish and broken and now everyone else is suffering for it."

Colby was quiet for a moment. "Yeah, you keep me up at night. I keep you up at night too. Fair is fair."

"Nothing is fair."

"Fair enough."

Nothing was funny but soon the duo found themselves laughing until water leaked from their eyes and their ribs hurt. It felt good to laugh and they revelled in it. Just for a moment, they were two boys in high school again. They just had each other, it was just them in the world.

They were okay.

But good things never last, so Sam stopped laughing and, abruptly, Colby did too.

"I have something to show you," Sam said softly. When Colby nodded, Sam pulled up his sleeves, revealing a fresh white bandage stained red. "I scratch at the scars. It makes them bleed."

Colby grabbed onto Sam's hand. "I told you to come to me if it got bad."

"I don't want to burden you. I don't want to make everything worse." Sam hung his head.

"Kat knows?"

Sam nodded. "She helps."

Colby hissed through his teeth and drew back before taking a deep breath and pressing his lips to Sam's. The suddenness caught Sam off-guard but he melted into the kiss and he felt Colby relax, though only slightly.

Baby steps, he told himself.

"I've missed you," Colby murmured and Sam squeezed his hand.

"Well, you've found me. Now it's time for me to return the favour. We can fight the uphill battle together."

Sam leaned forward and kissed his boyfriend again but Colby drew back. "Aaron said you were with Brennen," Colby said.

Sam closed his eyes tightly and wished the ground would swallow him. "I was trying to forgive him. I was trying to regain our friendship for you."

Colby blinked at him owlishly, his lips parted slightly. Oh, how much Sam wanted to kiss him. "Oh," was all Colby managed and Sam rolled his eyes before pulling him into another sweet kiss.

"Who's that?" Sam asked as he felt a vibration run through Colby's body as the brunette's phone registered a text. Colby shrugged.

"Kobe's missing," Colby said as he read the text. "Brennen's freaking out."

"This is gonna sound selfish and rude, but we'll help him tomorrow. I couldn't care less about his issues tonight." Colby curled into Sam and the blond boy almost jumped at the contact. "Jesus Christ, man, you're freezing!"

"Sorry."

Sam shook his head and stood, hauling Colby up with him. "Come on. We'll come and get your car tomorrow. I don't think you can drive right now."

"Sure."

Colby was stupidly light and Sam's eyes brewed troubled as he really looked at his boyfriend. The concealer wasn't obvious but Sam could see it. He saw the weariness that Colby hid, the sadness and the guilt. Sam saw the grief that slowly consumed the brunette. He saw the skinniness and he put it all together.

"You going down too." He realised.

Colby frowned. "What?"

"You're going in a downward spiral," Sam clarified. "Just like I did. I'm just noticing it before it gets too bad."

Guilt flared in Colby's eyes and Sam bit his lip. He hadn't meant to say the last bit out loud.

"I'm fine," Colby breathed. "You, though, are not. Don't think that I don't see you. I see the utter defeat you show. I see you, Sam. You are not okay, you're just ignoring your problems."

"So are you!"

"I don't have any problems to ignore."

"That's bullshit!" He ignored Colby's quiet surprise. "You know that's bullshit, Colby, because you feel what I feel! We both carry this on our shoulders!"

"So why are we pretending it doesn't exist?" Colby snapped. "I would tell you if there was something wrong."

"No you wouldn't." Sam's voice had dropped to whisper. "You don't."

Colby considered him for a moment. "Neither do you."

The drive home was silent.

***

Hullo!

Quick medical update, I'm probably dying. Seriously. For almost a year now, I've had this strange cough. So terrible right? Then it gets worse. My chest starts hurting. I can't breathe. It's all just pain. Because of the constant coughing I'm suffering periods with low oxygen. The doctors don't know what's wrong, I don't know what's wrong, all I know is I had some sort of attack earlier where all I could do was cry because it hurt so freaking bad. I'm on holidays for a month so I can't really do much except wait it out.

It sucks. So yeah, me just winging about how I'm in pain. Carry on, there's more Solby to come!