Four Broken Pieces ✓

Thirty Three

I was curled up on the couch sipping a cup of peppermint tea while watching some TV. It was close to 11 in the night and the boys still weren't home yet. I tried not to let myself get too worried. They'd been home late plenty of times before but somehow, tonight, my hands were trembling with nervousness. I'd lost track of what was happening on the TV a long time ago. Maybe it was the chilliness of the air and the fact that the last call I'd received from them had been this morning before school that maybe me more anxious than usual.

A knock sounded at the door and I let out a sigh of relief as I ran to open it. I froze in shock at the man who now stood at my doorstep with panic written on his face. I resisted the urge to slam the door in his face. He was the last person I wanted to see. 

Ivan's father looked worried and almost borderline hysterical as his eyes scanned the living room behind me before meeting my eyes. I dropped the deathly glare from my face and put on a fake smile. I'd almost forgotten that we weren't hostile towards each other anymore. I could never forgive him though, for what he did to Alexei. It took all my efforts to keep the smile glued to my face.

"Is Ivan here dear. We were supposed to meet over an hour ago and he didn't show up." Somehow, I saw those words coming before he'd even uttered them. I'd known there was something amiss before he'd even arrived at my doorstep. My heart began hammering in my chest as I slowly shook my head. His eyes dropped to the ground in disappointment.

"Have you tried calling him?" My voice sounded painfully small to my own years. This felt like a dream almost. It couldn't be happening. They'd be home any minute now.

Alexei promised.

"Yes but he hasn't picked up his phone," he said looking equally distraught. I clutched on to the edge of the door as a wave of shock hit me. The almost fatherly concern and evident worry on his face triggered something within me. My body felt dreadfully heavy. This was real. They weren't here. They might never be here. In that moment the only things that kept me from falling was the side of the door under my hand. For my benefit, Ivan's father continued to speak in a soft voice I didn't think he was capable of. I barely heard him over the ring in my ears.

"Don't worry dear. I'll find him. You just stay here and give me a call if he shows up." With that final word, he turned and left. I slowly shut the door behind him before sinking to the ground. My shaking legs couldn't hold out any longer. My breathing slowly became labored and I clutched on to the edge of my t-shirt with all my might. It was Alexei's, I realized, and that only made my body shake even more. The shirt still smelled like him, his favorite cologne.

A few tears slipped from my eyes. My ears still rang with that promise Alexei had made but it seemed to be fading away into a distant echo.

They'll come back to me. They have to. They promised.

The words rang in my head like a mantra that turned into a plea, as I remained curled on the floor with their faces flitting beneath my closed lids.

I was sat in front of a fireplace curled into a jacket. It was the jacket, the jacket I'd found on myself all those months ago in the hospital. It was the jacket that reminded me that I was worth it, worth keeping a promise to and worth returning to. It was the only thing that had stopped my panic attack from fully consuming me after Ivan's father had left me in pieces.

But perhaps that fear and rising hysteria would have been better. Now all I felt was a hollow emptiness that seemed to eat away at my soul. It was like someone had cleaved my heart out of my chest. The emptiness had a heartbeat of its own, a dull sound that made me want to shut down completely. The world around me had seized to exist. I was feeling everything and yet nothing at the same time. No pain, no fear, just nothing. A painful emptiness that made me want to weep knowing that the tears would do nothing to unleash the hurt. It lay slumbering in my heart, a constant agony that wouldn't let up.