May 1st, 2014
Dear James,
I'm a bit worried.
I know that sounds so weird compared to my last journal entry, but I feel like something bad has happened. I don't know what to do.
It was the day the other day, the day that I tell Estelle that I am who I am. I messaged her as per normal, but she never responded to me. I've practically blown up her twitter, wanting to know if she's okay or if she's mad at me.
I've looked through the mentions on her tweets too and notice that everybody else is concerned. She never told them that she was leaving or anything. They're concerned because she's a pretty big account owner and she's funny. They all miss her tweets and just her in general, like me.
What happened to her?
Is she okay? I couldn't have done something so bad that made her leave twitter right? Is she not a fan of me band anymore and just decide to abandon the account? What if she doesn't like me because I am Niall Horan? Is she sick? Did she commit?
All these thoughts keep swarming my head and I am not okay. We've talked non-stop for a month and now she has just disappeared. Not a word. I truly believe that we had something special going, but now she won't say a word to me or anyone.
She wouldn't just stop, right?
The lads just tell me I'm whipped and that she's fine. She probably has something going on at home and can't get online or something. Josie just happens to agree with them, but I'm not so sure. I don't even know where she lives so I can't make an emergency flight out there to see if she's okay.
What am I supposed to do?
My only escape from this situation is being on stage and that doesn't even work all the time. I just try to forget, but my worry won't go away. I miss her so fucking much, but I don't even know what happened to her or how she feels about me. I can't stand it.
I keep telling meself that that the lads are right, but I just don't believe it. I hope that if I tell meself that enough times that it will finally click that they're right, but it hasn't been working so far.
I mean, I'd understand if she missed one day of talking to me and tweeting her followers, but four days is a different story. She hasn't gone one day without messaging me and now it's been four. Four fucking days and I'm losing my mind.
I guess I jinxed it in my last entry, huh?
Everything was going fucking great and now the lass that I tend to like quite a bit has disappeared off of the face of the planet. I shouldn't have mentioned everything. I shouldn't have pushed my luck. Fuck. This is all probably me fault.
God damnit.
Josie tells me that she'll try contacting her too and that she'll get a response soon, but I just can't believe her. Her friend Elizabeth is trying too and I'm thankful for their help. I'm glad that I have good friends like them. I don't really know Elizabeth, but I'm so relieved that she's trying too. Anything is a big help for me and maybe they can get the answers that I never received.
I just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
I really hope that something works out because I'm going insane without talking to her. She was the sunshine given to me in a time of need and now that sunshine is gone. I'm left sitting in a dark hole, freezing me arse off. I miss her warmth, I miss her radiating the joy that would come to me. Not everything was happy between us, but it was most the time and I miss it so fucking much.
I feel like I could cry, but I won't. I know that I'll get teased for it because I haven't know her for that long. I know that Liam doesn't get teased for his break-up with Sophia that happened two days ago, but his story is different because they've known each other for quite a bit and dated for what, almost a year? That really is a long time. Unlike him, I've known this lass for a little over a month and we weren't even dating. Plus, they believe she's okay.
I don't want to seem as pathetic.
It's just hard, ya know?
What can I do?
Niall xx
