May 15, 2014
Dear James,
The weirdest fucking thing happened yesterday. I don't know how to explain it so I'll start from the beginning.
I went to the place where I was supposed to meet Josie and Elizabeth at yesterday. I was a bit surprised to only see Elizabeth, sitting by herself on a park bench. I went and sat by her, asking about Josie. She then told me that Josie wouldn't be able to come at the moment because her boss called her into work. Josie would have to catch up with us later, something that she did.
Elizabeth then proceeded to take me around town, us both extremely calm. I didn't feel like I had to do anything crazy and exhilarating as I did when I was with Estelle. I felt at total and utter peace, no matter how awkward it was. It was fucking weird. She took me to the aquarium, something Josie refused to even think about going to. She just has this weird hatred for it, I don't know. Elizabeth was telling me stories about the past of when her and Josie would come here or just be around, doing stupid and crazy things that I would be cracking up about.
She took me to the parks around, little to no streams by them. It's weird to be in a place where it's just hot and that's it. She got so bored taking me around that we even stopped by the market, probably my favorite place if I must admit. It's so different than something I would expect to see in London. It was so colorful and amazing. I was the most surprised though when I realized that it was outside.
Elizabeth had me trying all of the exotic foods, making me buy clothing articles so I have a piece of her country to remember. She was showing me all the cool knick knacks and urban legends around her town. She made everything sound interesting and it was nice.
She then told me that Josie was going to meet us at the beach so we should change into something a little more appropriate, such as our bathing suits. I was so glad that I had bought one then. I changed quickly as did she in some weird shop bathroom stalls. She then came out in a bikini, a wrap around her tan waist to hide her bottoms.
She was so fucking fit.
I complimented her then and she blushed so bad! Her cheeks were as red as a cherry! I almost broke out in laughter as we made our way towards the sand. I received weird looks due to the fact that I was Niall Horan and/or some pasty white bloke in the middle of a tan country. I didn't even care as we got in to the water. We were laughing and having an amazing time, something that I missed. We splashed water and I even picked her up!
That was when Josie showed up. I was so fucking nervous, wanting to know if I really liked her. She came in to the water with us, her boobs almost falling out of her top and came closer to us. Once she reached us though, the strangest fucking thing happened.
I felt nothing.
Nothing. Not a single thing. It was as if she was just one of the lads. She didn't increase the calm. She didn't decrease the fun. Everything stayed the same and I guess that was when realization hit me and I realized that it wasn't Josie.
It was Elizabeth.
It was like one of those moments from a movie. The world stopped for me and zoomed in, everything clicking in to place. I've known of Elizabeth almost as long as I've known Josie, learning practically every fact about her from Josie. She's a fan of mine and was always the underlying support I needed. That support just increased when her best mate became mine too. She was always there too without me even knowing it. She was that sense of calm that I needed. She was the fun that I felt yesterday, not Josie. Who knew it would've been Elizabeth?
And what the hell am I supposed to do about it?
Do I kiss her? Do I ask her on a date? Do I just suddenly forget everything that has happened with Estelle? Do I forget the way that she made me feel? Do I ask her to join us on tour? Do I just get her number? What the fuck was I supposed to do?
Well, I left.
I was so fucking scared at that realization that I left. I don't want to fall in love again. I don't want to have feelings for anyone else. They're just going to leave me without any warning and I'm going to be left in the dust, broken again except this time she wouldn't just go away. Josie would mention her all the time and I wouldn't know what to do. I don't want to take the risk of having her break me. I know everything and nothing about her so I couldn't do it. I ran away from my problems and I'm ashamed, but what else was I supposed to do?
The fear inside me controls me, but can you blame it at all? Ever since Carrie I've been a bit afraid, but I gave Estelle a chance and she crushed me entirely. No one would ever crush me as bad as Carrie did though. I mean, who lies about staying with you when you go away? Who gives up your child when you're not there to have an opinion? Who doesn't tell you until it's already done? Who just breaks your heart like that and then leaves you because you're getting "too famous"? Fuck.
How did I get on to the topic of my aborted child?
I guess it's just the fear. I know that something that bad probably won't happen to me again, but you can't help, but have me be worried and cautious. I put my trust in Estelle and she just left. That wasn't as bad as Carrie, but it still hurt so fucking much. She was the first person I even tried to get with in three entire fucking years and she just disappeared.
Josie messaged me last night, asking about my sudden departure. When I didn't answer, she showed up at me room, demanding an answer. I was glad that she was alone because I had a complete break down and told her everything from Carrie and the baby all the way up to my realization this afternoon, not going in to detail about the Estelle situation because she knows that already. I told her about how I thought that I had feelings for her, but it was Elizabeth .This whole fucking time it was Elizabeth. She gasped, not being able to comprehend the baby story and pitying me. She didn't know that something so fucking horrible had happened to me and assumed that was why I never dated anyone. It was though and I am glad to have finally told someone. I haven't even told the lads. They know of Carrie, but all I told them was the what had a big disagreement and couldn't see each other anymore. Only Carrie and I knew, but now Josie does too. It was a huge leap of faith and trust, but I knew Josie was the person to tell.
I told her of every single fear that I had and she listened to me, actually listened. She cared. It was such a nice difference. She then proceeded to tell me that Elizabeth has actually liked me for awhile. I guess I was her favorite out of the band and still am now that we know each other. She was so upset when I ran off according Josie that all I did was feel guilt. I don't know how to deal with any of this. What if she's faking it?
I couldn't bare the heartbreak again.
~~
A/N: A little twist with Carrie. I've mentioned her before a little bit, never a name and didn't go into detail on what happened due to Niall not wanting to relive it. He knows it, but nobody else does. So basically if you don't understand it, this is what happened:
Carrie and Niall were highschool sweethearts and she always supported his dream. Since he believed she was the one, they had slept with each other multiple times. She supported his dreams and him going on x-factor. While he was away though she found out that she was pregnant and didn't want to raise the child on her own and have Niall ask questions about her protruding stomach, so she aborted it. Due to guilt, she had a break down and told Niall everything leaving him heartbroken. She couldn't handle keeping secrets like that from him and new it would happen if he kept getting famous, so she left him.
I know, sad.
The book might be a little less than twenty chapter btw. sorry.
Alex xxx
