March 11, 2014
Dear James,
Nothing.
Not a word.
It's been ten days since my last entry.
I haven't heard a single word from her and neither have her followers.
Even the lads are a bit worried now.
It's weird, so fucking weird. They keep telling me that she's okay, but I still can't believe it. I can tell that they're starting to doubt it from the looks in their eyes too. They seem nervous whenever I bring it up too. They know about her "condition" and how she wasn't exactly in the happiest place and that makes them seem even more nervous.
What if she really did commit?
What if she attempted and is a hospital?
Why would she try?
Wasn't she as happy as I was?
Jesus I can't keep thinking like this. I don't know what happened to her and I keep jumping to the worst imaginable thoughts. I swear that I'm going crazy. It's a good thing that the South American leg is coming to an end because I need a break and some comfort.
Josie apologizes for her disappearance a lot. She was the only one who truly understood the way I felt about Estelle. We would always compare them with each other's significant others. We both understood the happiness and would relate. It was so nice.
Now she won't tell me about Trent, afraid that it'll trigger something in me. All I know is that she's still debating on which University to go to. She hopes to have picked by June, but I understand that it's a hard decision. Especially for her.
Where is she? How could she just leave me in the dark like this? I'm so worried sometimes that I'm on the edge of throwing up. I don't even know if she is okay and that thought scares me half to death. I wish that I knew where she was from, at least what city. I could fly over there and ask around. It may take a few times until someone would give me an answer, but I'd get it and I would know that she's okay.
But no, all I know is that she is from fucking Ohio.
Damn. My thoughts are becoming dark. How is it that she could just leave me like this? Why am I panicking so bad when I barely know her? It seems to be inconceivable. but I can't help it. I allowed meself to get attached because I was desperate to feel love and now I am paying the price for it. I wish I wasn't, but I am.
Some things in life just seem to perfect, but they really aren't in reality. You've got to watch out for those things because the moment that you believe it, it'll bite you in the arse and you'll feel sick and betrayed.
I feel sick and betrayed.
I feel stupid too.
How could I have let her wrap me around her finger so fast like that? I feel sick in meself for allowing her to and very dumb. I'm a retard. Well, not a retard. Josie says I can call meself stupid, but never a retard. It's some weird thing her dad taught her.
Most of all though, I think I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed by not only her, but by meself also. She up and left me after leading me on to believe that she liked me. I believed that I actually had a fucking chance with her, but I never did. I betrayed meself by allowing hope to enter me. I've seen how relationships have worked in the past with me mates and all that shit, but I still believed it would never happen to me.
I was in fucking fairy tale land, but now I can't be.
I need comforting. I'm so glad for break to come tomorrow. I'm heading to Spain immediately.
Niall xx
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A/N: I understand that this book is moving really fast, but notice the dates and how naïve Niall is. Plus, it's a short story. sorry. I can promise a happy ending though
Alex xx
