May 13, 2014
The South American part of the tour is over and I landed in Spain yesterday. I took a rest all day, knowing that I would get to see Josie today.
Meeting Josie for the first time was fucking amazing and exactly what I needed. I met her at a little cliché coffee house, her laughing at the irony. She brought her friend Elizabeth along with her and I was surprised by how gorgeous her friend was, but I was and still am too hung up and worried about Estelle to even notice.
We chatted, finding a lot more topics to talk about in person that we would over the phone. It was a huge relief and I was so happy to have someone who understood. Josie didn't really understand if I'm being honest, but she didn't judge me like the lads were doing and it was such a nice relief.
I didn't expect the two of them to be so funny, especially when they are together. Once they get on a role, they don't stop and I was laughing me head off the whole time. It was so nice to genuinely laugh again and it was the first time that I hadn't been worried sick about Estelle.
Could it be that I've actually been in love with Josie the whole time?
Is that even possible?
I did like her at the beginning, but I pushed every thought like that away once I found out about Trent. I know that they're in love and I don't want to ruin that at all. How else can I explain the utter peace I felt when I was with them?
Josie has been there for me through everything since she's known me. She's put up with me as a drunk. She has seen me at both my happiest and my lowest. She hasn't left and she hasn't sugarcoated anything for me. Today she was just glowing and because of the way that her and her friend were acting, I was glowing. It was amazing.
I want to feel that way again.
Could I possibly have fallen for Josie though? Would it ruin our friendship if I did? Would she hate me forever?
Fuck. I wish I could talk to Estelle about this. No, I don't. If Estelle hadn't up and left me, this wouldn't be happening. I would be perfectly fine and she would know about me and we would be living happily ever after right now. This is all her fault.
Is this really all her fault?
No. I just don't want to take the blame meself. it's easier to put it all on someone else, especially when they aren't around. I just have so much anger towards her and meself that I don't know what to do with it. It was eased today when I was spending time with Elizabeth and Josie. Everything was so easy and it was nice. So fucking nice.
They want to take me on a tour of their little hometown and show me all of the fun attractions around her, something I don't get to do often. I agreed with them. I hope that it will help me clear up whatever this is that I am feeling about me best mate.
Could I possibly be making up this infatuation with Josie to fill the aching hole in my chest?
It seems like something I would during this moment in my life. I am desperate. I don't want to feel this way and I am taking the slightest attention as acts of love, making me want to love someone again. I want a distraction from Estelle and I think I'm doing that by replacing my thoughts of her with Josie.
It's so fucking weird.
I need to get me feelings sorted out. I know that I might just be making up all these feelings that I believe I have for Josie, but I might not be. Why does life have to be so complicated? Why does your feelings have to confuse you like this? Why must everything be complicated? Why can't it just be simple? Can't it just be boy and girl fall in love, get married, have kids and move on? No other people between those two, no disappearances, no fighting, no lies, just love? Fuck. No. It can't.
Challenges is what makes life interesting and as much as I hate to admit this, I'm glad for this confusion and heartache. It lets me know that I'm a real person and not some boring celebrity that has everything handed to them. It's like I'm a normal lad again. My life isn't boring and I'm happy for that.
I may not like the challenges that I'm facing, but I know that I'll get through them. I have to to be able to carry on and prove that I'm a strong person.
If I prove meself, maybe I can finally be happy.
I'll keep you updated on what happens tomorrow.
Niall xx
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A/N: I'm so sorry that this book is kind of shit lol. I have no idea what I'm doing with it, just the main story line. It should be done by chapter twenty or so, just a heads up.
Alex xx
