May 17, 2014
Dear James,
Guilt had been eating me alive. Josie stopped by again yesterday, explaining how hurt Elizabeth was exactly. She went in to every detail of how Elizabeth is taking me sudden departure and I feel so bad, so fucking bad. She's the one, I know that, but I don't want to face any hurt like that so I have no idea what to do.
Josie gave me her number and left me to decide.
I sat in my room, not knowing what to do. I don't want to trust her, well I do more than anything, but I have no idea what I'd do if she left me too. I've had enough heartbreak to last I lifetime.
Remember how in the second entry I mentioned that I wanted love? I wanted someone that I could praise. I wanted someone to care for no matter how upset with me she was. I wanted an unconditional love. I want a lass to find happiness in the time that we spend together, creating our own paradise. I still want that, but not right now. I don't want it to be this challenging. I know that I mentioned before that challenges made life interesting and helped you prove yourself, but I won't be able to overcome this challenge, not when I'm still hung up on Carrie and too worried about Elizabeth breaking me too.
Yet I still took the risk of calling Elizabeth.
She answered surprisingly, confused as to of who I was and why I was calling. I explained to her that I had a difficult past to deal with and the realization of me even liking her a little bit made me freak out and run away. She then proceeded to tell me that she liked me too, but understands that I'm not looking for a serious relationship. That gave me all the courage I needed. I then asked her on a date that took place earlier today, something that was fun. We went to a movie, dinner and then the beach. We avoided serious topics and just had fun.
She's my fun relationship and I really like her. The fact that she could do this for me just makes me like her more. We could be considered dating without a title or commitment. It's so refreshing. I hate that I'm putting her through all of this. I'm being selfish. I'm not even considering what she truly wants, but I'm giving her the best that I can.
She could do so much better. She deserves someone who isn't scared. She deserves someone who could love her with all he is and doesn't care if he receives that love in return. She deserves the best.
She needs someone who loves every little quirk about her, the quirks that I don't know yet, but want to learn. She needs someone without commitment issues, but I'm not going to leave her. We may not be in a serious relationship, but she deserves the world and I'm going to give it to her. I deserve to give someone the world and she has given me that amazing opportunity.
There's not going to be one moment where she feels underappreciated. There's not going to be a moment where I don't make her feel like she's on top of the world, on cloud nine. She's so perfect in her own way and I want her to know that. I know that I'll probably end up falling in love with her, but if I do that then I want to make sure that she's in love with me first so I don't have me skeptical worries like before. I don't want to have to worry when I'm when her.
I just want to feel bliss happiness.
Niall xx
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A/N: There's going to be a date jump with the next chapter so look out for that. Things are about to get bad again
Alex xx
