Learn To Make Mistakes - Phan/KickThePhil

Chapter 6

**Trigger warning - self inflicted injury** unfortunately this chapter is necessary to the story line as I would not include sensitive issues for the hell of it, so I would advise you to read it unless you are triggered easily. or at all.

"I had many sleepless nights over you, and eventually I guess the stress just got the better of me..."

I woke up to darkness enveloping me, the images of my dreams still vivid in my mind. The sweet dreams of the boy had already been and gone, leaving me with his ghostly beauty to dwell on. Last night I dreamt of him though. Not a sweet, loving dream, but one full of haunting things. In my dream I watched him die over and over again, in increasingly terrible ways, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. When I eventually reached him, I told him my feelings towards him, but what he said back was still bouncing round my head. "Phil don't be stupid, you know I don't feel the same. Why would anyone love you?" Why would anyone love me? As crazy as it was, I realised the truth behind dream Dan's words. No one would love me. Especially not Dan and all his perfection. Compared to him I'm nothing. Thick warm tears started to flood from my eyes and I made no attempt to wipe them away. After all, I did deserve them.

When all my tears had subsided, I decided to try and sort myself out, so I trudged to the bathroom with 'Dan's' twisted words still echoing inside me. Then, something caught my eye. I noticed, on the edge of the sink, one of Mum's disposable razors. Don't be stupid Phil. I thought to myself, as I wiped myself with a damp cloth. But even so, I found my eyes fixated on the clean silver blade, and before I could tell myself otherwise, I had grabbed the object and darted back to my room. Other people do it... I found myself thinking, and if it helps them, why shouldn't it help me? And so it seemed I had made my decision.

I pressed the cold metal to the inside of my wrist, and with a deep breath, sliced it across my skin. The first thing I felt was pain, then relief. As I watched the small amount of blood bubble over the angry mark, I even felt almost... satisfied.

Good, but not enough.

I carried on making more and more marks until my arm was laced with two dozen perfect little red lines. I assessed the damage I had done, almost feeling proud of myself, and then checked the time. 8 Am. My parents would be up soon. I threw on a jumper, raced to the bathroom, cleaned the razor then put it back where I found it.

so this chapter was hard for me to write (back when I wrote it) and I want to take the time here to say that self inflicting injury does not solve a problem. you may feel it helps at the time but eventually you feel dumb because of it. it is never the solution. I really hope none of you guys have done this to yourselves or even had to fight the urge of it, but I am here if you need someone to talk to about it because I know. if you want to talk, you can message me on here (I think) or email me: toni.barker563@gmail.com

this may sound really wierd, but it often helps to tell a complete outsider your problems, because you don't have to worry about them telling anyone. and I dont Ever think someone is wierd. ~Toni