LIVING WITH HER (COMPLETED)

Chapter 40: Where It All Ends

Past never dies—or does it?

Sometimes your past would come back and hunt you down like a nightmare for good reasons—could also be bad. Sometimes it would strike hard—like a baseball to acquire peace. And sometimes...it would kill you a million times for you to feel the pain until it went numb and until it stopped hurting because you already got over it. Past is something you couldn't undo, but it doesn't mean you couldn't leave it behind, especially if it isn't worth turning back the clock.

In my concern, I did not know that I would like to take a glance to get something back. My memories have long been buried, but I know somewhere around, it was still there. After they told me I had memory loss and what could happen, I was terrified for my life. It was daunting and scary to look behind and find out what really happened. But I had no escape, time itself took me back. Destiny brought me to the person from my past, the woman who worth those sleepless and painful nights, through a not-so-fascinating way while sleeping. My memories began to come after me in my dreams. It was difficult and petrifying. Sometimes I felt at home, but most of the time I felt like I was in the midst of a violent storm. It was more than a nightmare.

My first dream.

I was in a coma when I first dreamed of her. Hindi ko pa alam nun na siya 'yon because she was faceless. Kung may nakikita man ako roon, 'yon ay ang sarili ko at ang mga taong naaalala ko. I was completely baffled. Para akong naligaw sa nakaraan bilang isang—kaluluwa—I had no idea either. Hindi ko alam. Para akong mababaliw noon sa kakaisip kung bakit ako napadpad doon at kung bakit wala akong maalala ni isa sa mga pangyayaring nakikita ko sa mga oras na iyon. That dream was about the fake relationship agreement. Winter and I made an unselfish choice. She sacrificed her first love while I agreed for the sake of my sister. But during that time, hindi ko naintindihan 'yon dahil gulong-gulo ako at puno ako ng katanungan. Everything was messy and confusing.

I didn't hate Winter. I just didn't like her. And I think it was just fairly fine as she didn't care either. Wala kaming pakialam sa isa't isa—o pwede rin namang siya lang itong walang pakialam sa'kin. Who would think that agreement between our families was also the beginning of something interesting to happen between us? Funny that all those times...we really thought we were straight. We bickered. We fool each other. And little did we know...we were also falling.

I disregarded that dream. I lied and continued playing dumb. I felt disoriented and perplexed with what was going on. Wala sa tamang pagkakasunod-sunod ang mga panaginip ko, hindi ito nakatulong sa pagkakakilanlan ng mga bagay-bagay mula sa aking nakaraan. Nalaman ko rin na hindi lang pala siya ang walang mukha sa panaginip ko, may ibang tao rin at kasama roon ang mga kaibigan niya. I met them in my dreams, too. Pero once lang. Nasa paaralan kami nun where I didn't say much, but I knew it was her friends.

First kiss.

I dreamed about this one recently. Our first unexpected, yet not-so-accidental first kiss na ako pala ang may pakana. Hindi ko kinaya ang eksenang 'yon na maging hanggang paggising ko'y hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili ko. I was so embarrassed standing there and watching myself reason out for what I did. Doon pala nagsimula ang nickname niya sa akin na 'manyak' which kind of understandable. Mas dumagdag lang ang kahihiyan ko sa katawan nang maalala kung gaano kakapal ang mukha kong tawagin siyang kiss stealer, eh ako naman pala 'yon. Sa tingin ko'y doon nagsimula ang lahat, sa kiss, kung saan naconfuse kami pareho. Hindi man namin inamin, but that kiss was really good and obviously—unforgettable. Ni wala man lang nandiri sa aming dalawa. Pareho kaming nagulat, nanibago, at naweirduhan, but that was it. Sa sobrang pagkalito namin sa aming nararamdaman, hindi namin napansing nasa dulo na pala kami ng bangin. It's just that I was the one who fell first...and I fell so hard. Maybe it didn't turn out well initially, but it was just okay. We still ended up in one another's arm.