The Rainbow (Frerard) [underwater_sky]

January- The Family Tree (Part Six)

            I didn't speak to Gerard or Vivian for a few days. I slept on the couch when I went downstairs, and I ate my meals alone or with Cassandra. Vivian, for once, seemed willing to avoid me and let me be. Usually she would be pestering me and trying to plead her case (not that we had ever really gotten mad at one another, I just learned to predict her movements), but she left me alone. I wasn't sure if this was to let me get my anger out of my system, or if she actually felt bad. I hoped both. Gerard, on the other hand, did try to talk to me. The first time I went to bed on the couch, he called my name and said that I should sleep with him. He called my name again, but when I didn't respond, he gave up. He did the same thing each day: he would invite me to join him doing something (sleeping, eating, going for a walk) but he would ask once, call my name, and have that be it. He didn't try to touch me and he didn't try to talk about anything until I was ready. And I wasn't so sure that I was going to do anything about it just yet.

            Cassandra's company helped so I didn't feel as if I was completely losing myself. She filled the void her mother would have usually occupied and tried to give me advice. She was more forthcoming than her mother though, and that was why I probably let her go on for as long as she did about her remedy to the situation.       

            "Just forget about it. It's not a productive use of your time. They're your friends. You love them, they love one another, and have that be it," she informed me regularly, and when I droned on too long about my betrayed feelings, she usually kept it short: "You're being immature." 

            "I am not," I said, thus proving her point. "You know, maybe you were wrong and maybe Gerard isn't a sibling and this is some sort of weird parental arrangement."

            She laughed. "Nope. Sorry, Frank, but I'm almost never wrong. He is a brother, and a younger brother at that. Come on, this is classic Oedipal complex. Back in the mother's house, they are reunited. This was clearly a sympathetic fuck if I ever saw one."

            "You didn't see it. I did."

            "And it's a source of trauma, I get it, I get it, you do not need to reiterate that point anymore. But you're making this into a bigger deal than it already is. They're both trying to extend their sympathy towards you and establish a relationship again. Stop it with the silent treatment and just make up. You can discuss things like adults. And if you can't, then come get me and I can be your psychotherapist."

            We were playing cards together that night, only she had abandoned our game and had gone on to play solitaire as I lamented across the table. She had an aptitude for things that were far beyond her age, and it made me treat her like a mentor figure. There were a few instances where I would be overwhelmed by her age, mostly when she stood up and I was reminded of how short she was, but for the most part it went undetected and her position of the older sister became fact in my mind.

            I knew she was right too, which was the worst part. Part of me already knew I was overreacting, but another part didn't care. Anytime I would feel myself calming down, I'd think back to that descent down the stairs and become furious again. I had announced myself, and they didn't care. I had been doing what they told me to do, and they didn't care. They were so into themselves that they had to fling it in my face. They both knew my family history, how hard all of this was for me, and just when I was starting to feel okay in my new situation, my ground was shaken again. What I failed to realize, though, until those first few initial days of pouting were done, was that unlike my original family, Gerard and Vivian did want to talk about the mistake and work it all out. I thought calling attention to it again was another way of stabbing me in the back again, but no, they wanted to work it out with me. They didn't just want to forget it and let it ferment with time until it eventually grew sour and we hated being in the same room together not knowing why. They wanted to fix it before it continued to break, and if not fix it, then at least find a way to deal with it.