The Rainbow (Frerard) [underwater_sky]

March - Like Lions (Part One)

           We needed to have a big dinner. Bigger than big; we needed to host a feast in order to tell everyone the news. Although most people, like Gerard and Vivian, already knew about Jasmine, they did not know what our final decision was. Even we weren't exactly sure what we had decided in terms of details and specifics. All we knew is that when we imagined our future now, doing just as Vivian had asked, we knew what option we were imagining: the one with a baby. And that, in my mind, required a feast.

            My knees still shook when I thought about it and I still had panic attacks of realization where it would hit me out of nowhere. Baby. We were going to have a baby. She was pregnant. I found myself imagining the night when we conceived and no longer fearing those impeding moments. No longer wishing that we had just stayed on our separate beds, and that I had taken a different condom or made sure it was properly on again and again. It had happened and I was finally okay with it. I knew that we could still change our minds. I could back out and we could try to find a different way to resolve the issue. But when my knees were shaking and my chest was tight, a new scenario wasn't repeating itself in my mind. When Jasmine caught my eyes a few times and asked if I was really sure, I always answered yes. I wanted to go the way I was going. In those moments of brief anxiety, I didn't imagine another alternative. Instead, I was imagining her telling me about the pregnancy again, and feeling my face flush. I had acted out of anger and I felt like a jerk. It should have occurred to me that she was just as scared.

            When we had fallen asleep together in her bed, we were still in our clothing, and I had dreamed about jazz. We were back in the club, only instead of it being as dark as it was when we were there, there was color all around. The paintings on the doors, of Dizzy and Billie, were fully animated and had begun to sing with the music at one point. Jasmine was there, in her white dress, and she sat at the same table as before. She was the only detail that was the same in the dream, except that I knew she was pregnant this time. The white top that she wore seemed to radiate with light that filled the place. The men at the front, who were playing instruments like saxophone or clarinet, reflected her light back. When they began to play, color came out of their horns. I could see the musical notes wafting across the room and appearing to dance all around us. The smell began then, as well, and Jasmine turned to me in the dream and began to talk.

            It was then that I woke up and realized the smell had been toast, and she was asking me if I was hungry in real life.

            "I'm fine," I told her. I shook my head and ran my hand through my hair to try and wake myself up. "I had a dream."

            "Really?" she asked. She had walked back into the kitchen and I followed.      

            "I think it was the same type of one you told me about awhile ago. The synesa...?"

            "Synaesthesia! Right. I remember that," she said, not hiding her smile. "Isn't it cool?"

            I nodded. I told her it had been like an enactment of the jazz club assignment and I began to unfold my dream to her over the toast. It was after we had finished, and our hands met in the centre of the table, that she first asked me if I was sure.

            "You don't have to, Frank. I want to. But you don't have to," she said aloud, and bit her lip afterwards. It was as if the weight of the situation had finally resonated. She knew what she was doing and because of that, she could finally see and imagine the hold that this placed on me. I swallowed hard and it took me a few moments, but I nodded. No, I wanted this too. I couldn't articulate how or why to her, but something had a hold over me and I didn't want to let it go.