To Whom It May Concern

44 | Connor

 I felt the weight of the ring in my jacket pocket, sitting there and waiting for me to present it to her. I had been planning on it, I had been so ready: I had the speech prepared, the declaration of my love and devotion. The recap of our entire relationship. There was so much that I had prepared.

The ring was the only thing I could feel as Sydney told me that she wasn't ready for us to take things that far.

I understood it, I did. I had broken her heart just a week prior. Naturally she was wary. I understood. But that didn't mean I wasn't disappointed. This was where we had had our first date at JMU, and where we had first started to have a relationship that wasn't long-distance. That was something we were going to have again soon, and I couldn't wait for it.

But I had to respect what Sydney wanted. I would be doing that for the rest of my life, so I had to get used to it now.

"Of course." I nodded after a prolonged silence that I hoped didn't worry her. "We should take it slow, of course. I understand."

Sydney smiled at me, relief clear on her face.

"Thank you." She said, "I know that you're usually ready to take steps before me, and it's because you're just so trusting and wonderful. But I just need the time. I need the time to make sure that we're going to be alright in this new position, you know?"

I nodded.

"Of course, baby. I completely understand, and I love you." I couldn't help but smile as I looked at her and took her hand in mine from across the table. "I love you so much. I would do anything you wanted me to do."

Sydney squeezed my hand.

"I love you. Thank you."

I nodded, keeping my smile small and sincere. Inside, my stomach felt like it was a ball of spaghetti, tangled into knots I couldn't begin to untie. The ring felt like a bowling ball in my jacket pocket, and there was nothing else on my mind besides the rock.

Dinner continued with little ado, Sydney and I ordering things that we always did and talking lightly about the events of the engagement party that had been the basis of everyone's conversations for the past few months. I hardly ate anything, but deflected Sydney's questions about it by saying that I had eaten a large lunch. We finished with a surprise brownie arriving for Syd and then leaving out into the biting cold.

I remembered leaving with her after our date during freshman year, beginning our lives as a college couple. There were so many things that we had ahead of us at that point in our lives, and yet so many things that I was glad to leave in the past.

"Hey, babe?" Sydney spoke as we were driving back to drop her off at Katie's apartment, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." I nodded, continuing to focus on the road ahead of me; we didn't need any repeats of our first week ever spent together.

"Do you regret any part of us?" Sydney asked, and I felt my heart drop at her words; how could she think that I would ever regret being with her?

"I only regret not realizing how lucky I was the first time around."

Sydney was silent for a moment.

"I don't regret anything about you, for the record." She finally said, "I just wanted to make sure that was returned, I guess."

I leaned over and took her hand in mine, squeezing it as I continued to drive along the dark road ahead.

"I will never leave you." I promised, "You're everything to me, so don't think anything else."

***

I dialed Dan's number quickly and listened until he picked up on the third ring. It was strange not living with my best friend anymore--he and Britt had found their own apartment and decided to move in following their engagement party.

"Hey, man." Dan answered. "How did the big night go?"

"It didn't." I replied, trying not to get too upset over it.

"She said no?"

"I didn't ask the question for her to say no to."

Dan was quiet for a moment.

"I'm assuming you want to tell me why not."

"Do you not want me to tell you why not?"

"Don't be a girl. I'm just tired."

"It's 8:30."

"I'm old now, Connor. Marriage takes a toll on you."

"You're not married."

"Practically."

"Whatever. Syd said she wanted to take things slow, and so I didn't pop the question. I don't know what to do about it."

Dan snorted.

"You got cold feet over her wanting to take it slow? Dude, girls say they want to take it slow so they don't seem crazy. Britt did it to me and I popped the question the next week. It's totally cool, you can ask whenever you want."

I shook my head.

"I don't know. I think it's a little different when I literally dumped her like a week ago."

Dan laughed.

"You may be right about that."

When he didn't offer anything else, I rolled my eyes.

"So what do I do?"

"Feel the situation out." Dan replied, "Girls are gonna be weird about everything, and they're impossible to read. You can't stress over it. Don't let it bug you, just wait until the moment's right." He paused and I could hear faint yelling in the background. "Britt's awake and ready to leave for the bar. I'll see you tomorrow, man."

"See you." I replied before hanging up the phone. I repeated Dan's advice in my head. Wait until the moment's right.

The only thing was, it was entirely possible that the moment would never be right.

A/N: Happy (almost) New Year! 2017 was full of awesome opportunities and new experiences and I'm sure 2018 is gonna be even better. What do you guys want to happen in the new year? Do you make new year's resolutions?

Also, does anyone know what's going on with Wattpad? My description on my profile was deleted randomly and some chapters with Dear Sydney are being weird, so I'm not sure what's up.

-Katherine