The letter | A Bensler FanFic

Life playing tricks

Noah was in shock. He hadn't eaten all day and the fact that his mother had been pregnant was making him very confused and exasperated. That story was more than he had ever imagined and he felt betrayed, as if his mother had been living a secret life. He ran to the cafeteria to get a sandwich and tried to talk to nurse, who shut him down yet again. When that didn't work, he picked up his Finances Law homework and tried to forget about the letter, he needed Anna to come back. He knew that Elliot had left around winter time that year and he couldn't get himself to read his mother tell how she had lost the love of her life, not alone at least. When she arrived, she gave him an exam he had took, he went to get dinner and allowed her to read the letter until where he was. When she read about love, the love segment, she felt something in her heart, as if she knew that feeling. But it couldn't be, she could've not known how it felt because she hadn't met the love of her life, she was only 19 she thought. She was deep into those thoughts when Noah came, all she wanted was to finish reading the letter and so did he, so they ate the pizza as fast as they could and dove right back in it. 

"In New Year's Eve you went back to Amanda's house to spend it with her, Jess and Carisi. If I recall that was the year you met Anna, she joined you am I not right, she was their neighbor?" In that moment, they looked at each and smirked, reading each other's minds. "In that night, when the midnight came and 2020 arrived, Elliot got down one knee and asked me if I'd marry him. I jumped at his neck, hugging him and whispering yes to his hears. When we kissed, it felt righter than ever. Two days later, I had a doctor's appointment, I had decided to tell Elliot about the baby and wanted to have a sonogram. But instead life decided to trick me. My obstetrician sent me to a specific office down the hall and when the other doctor looked at my analysis he said something I will never forget. I will never forget how cold he sounded, the color of the walls, the music it was playing. I never in my life will forget those fatidic words. "It is cancer."

Noah dropped the letter to the ground and looked at Anna, incapable of any kind of movement, glued to the chair. Sudently, she jumped to his arms and she hugged him. He wanted to let go but didn't have the strength. His muscles lost the stiffness and he cried in her arms. He then begged the nurse to let him see Olivia and said to her that he knew what it was, he knew it was cancer. She unlocked the door and he ran to his mom's bed. She looked weak, pale, sick. She looked old. He held her hand and cried, cried all the tears he would have, had she told him then. Olivia asked him if he had read everything and he could only ask "mom, why didn't you tell me, are you ok?". To which she said "I'm sorry honey. I'll be ok but now I need some rest. Go work, I got over this once, I'll do it again". Right at that moment, the nurse sent him away and he felt so lost. He didn't have a father and he could lose his mother. When he left, he ran to Anna and told her that he needed to read the whole letter and that he wouldn't stop until he had done so. So, she sat by his side, they picked the letter from the floor, and kept reading Olivia's story.

"I was lost, the doctor wanted to talk to me but I didn't seem to listen to him, I was more scared and desperate than I had been ever in my life. When he managed to calm me down just to the point to get me to listen to him, he asked me about my pregnancy, how far was I and more questions. Then he told me he had more bad news and that the only way I could beat the decease would be chemotherapy. Unfortunately, I would have to choose between me and the baby because the baby wouldn't survive the chemo and I would barely survive a year if I didn't start it immediately. I went home with my world destroyed. In the way there, I decided that the best thing I could do would be to get away and I did. I drove to the beach, got barefoot in that freezing winter afternoon, and said my goodbyes to my baby, cried, and made the hardest, worst decision of my life. I knew that if my treatment went wrong and I died, Elliot would be devastated, he wouldn't be able to move on. I knew how hard it would be and I was sure that just going through it would destroy us. And I loved him way too much to let him suffer like that, me suffering was enough. So, in that moment in that beach I made a swear, I promised that no matter what, I would make him hate me, so he would never come back and look for me, and I would never tell him about the baby. I cried my whole way home, I didn't want to die and I didn't want to lose him but I felt like I had to. When I got home I yelled at him, I picked fights, and I kept doing it for a week but he would always forgive me, kiss my hand and tell me that it was ok, that even if we were under a lot of stress that would be ok, that no matter what we would be ok. And I was so broken inside for having to do it. I pushed away everyone in my life, all my friends and I was about to go and do it to him. In the next morning I realized that I couldn't hide the baby bump much longer, or the hair loss from chemo, so I kissed him when I woke up, I kissed him like it was the last time, and it was, and I told him I loved him, I told him that for the last time. A couple hours later I said things, horrible things that I regret now and that I forever will, about him, his kids, about me and him. Then I threw a photo of us and my ring to the floor and I yelled, I wanted to break up. He picked his stuff and left, walked right through the door and looked back once. His eyes had tears and he seemed broken, sad. I had destroyed the love of my life. I turned my face away, not being able to look at him, and I never saw him again"