Marmoris | Rabastan Lestrange [1] ✔︎

03 | SORRY

"But if you close your eyes,
does it almost seem like nothing changed at all."

★

AFTER STARTING A horrible discussion about Quidditch, which never seemed to come to an end, Phoenix had left the compartment at some point. She was pretty sure if anyone had used the word 'Bludger' one more time in her presence, she would have exploded. She was most likely the only witch, who was unable to talk about the sport for hours and hours. So she found herself wandering the train without even knowing where she was headed.

Suddenly her hand was grabbed by somebody and she spun around shrieking, "Are you mad?"

To her surprise the person facing her was no one but her older brother. He ran a hand through his dark hair in a casual manner and chuckled at her reaction, his grey eyes filled with warmth. "No, I'm pretty sure I'm Sirius."

Phoenix stared at him with wide eyes before she glanced down the corridor to see whether any Pure-blood would be able to see them. For weeks she hadn't heard anything from her brother, thinking that he wanted to protect her by not contacting her, but now that he stood in front of her, smirking like he usually did, she wasn't so sure anymore. Of course she was happy to see him healthy and on top of his spirits, but she couldn't shake the picture of how their parents would react if they found out about her talking to him. But he was her brother after all. "Really? You leave our house after mother has been screaming at you like a banshee, don't tell me whether you're alright or not for weeks, which lead me to convince myself that you were only trying to protect me, and then you come up with that horrible joke in a place where any Pure-blood could see us. Are you kidding me?"

A flustered expression was plastered all over Sirius' face, when he opened and closed his mouth like a fish. Obviously he had expected her to just hug him like nothing had happened. But a lot had happened since they had last spoken and if anyone found out that she sympathised with a blood traitor, she would most likely become one herself. Talking to her brother in the corridor of the train had suddenly turned into a big deal. What Sirius came up with wasn't exactly anything to make her change her way of acting. "Calm down, Princess, you sound like an angry ex-girlfriend."

"Except I'm not. I'm your sister and I was worried sick when I didn't hear anything. That's a horrible feeling, you know?"

"I... I'm sorry."

All of a sudden he pulled her into a compartment, which was to Phoenix' surprise empty. While she hesitantly sat herself down, he pulled on his hair that had grown shoulder-length in the few weeks since his departure. Guilt swelled up in Phoenix as she saw him like that. He obviously hadn't intended to hurt her, which was made clear by his apology. He didn't apologise often, which made his apologies way more significant than those of other people. Still she knew that she should just walk away, but she couldn't. She was unable to pretend to hate him for leaving their family or ignore his presence. Still, she had to keep him as far away as she could, even if that meant making him feel guilty about something that she didn't even blame him for.

After staring at his shoes for a second, he looked up to her, his eyes filled with a soft expression. "I shouldn't have left you behind. I'm terribly sorry that I did. I should have persisted for you to come with me."

"No, you don't get my point. I didn't want you to do that. It was what was best for you, but I still have faith in our family and- " Phoenix reasoned, but Sirius cut her off.

"You shouldn't, Princess, you don't know all of what they did. It wasn't just father trying to choke me or mother insulting my friends. I wouldn't have left you all on your own without good reasons, but I now I can see that no reason is good enough to have left you behind. They are monsters and even our brother is- "

"Don' you dare finish that sentence, Sirius Black," Phoenix interrupted him mid-sentence. She had lived with her brothers bickering and fighting for years about the other one's decisions and she had enough of being caught in the middle of it. "I never understood what it was between the two of you, and I probably never will, but you have to stop when I'm around. I can no longer live with that." She got out of her seat, ready to go back. A discussion about Quidditch suddenly didn't sound that awful anymore compared to talking about family issues with her brother, which also was a high risk. "If that's everything you wanted to say, I have to head back to my friends."

"No, it is not. I never intended to fight with you and neither did I want you to be angry with me. I just wanted to see how you were." There was a pleading look in his grey eyes, which made her defensive way of acting falter. It wasn't right to push him away for her own benefit. It was selfish to hurt his feelings like that after he had lost everything. Sirius was still her brother and nothing would ever be able to change that.

Her facial expression softened. "I'm not angry with you, Sirius."

"You are not?"

Phoenix shook her head and slowly sat back down again, this time Sirius followed her example. "No and I wasn't talking about you leaving me. See, I get that you had to leave and I can imagine that I don't know about every single detail of what went down. It would have been stupid to do anything but that, but I don't want to lose them. I wouldn't have gone with you and I don't want you to feel guilty about me staying behind." She looked at him, surprised by his silence. "Yes, I was upset. Our home is so different without you and I miss my brother, just like the rest of our family – even if you don't want to believe that. But I was worried, Sirius. I have not heard anything from you in weeks and if I hadn't seen you in Diagon Alley the other day, you might as well have been lying dead in a dark alley."

"I honestly never thought about it in that way. You're right, I was trying to protect you and I was so occupied with that thought that I didn't even get the idea of sending you a quick note," Sirius said with a sad smile.

"So you do care?"

"Of course I do. You are the one person I actually consider family, Princess."

It was like the last bit of conviction that she had to stay away from him dissolved into nothing and she couldn't prevent a smile from curving up her lips. "When will you finally stop calling me that?"

"Um, I don't know. Never?" Sirius smirked.

It didn't take more to convince her that staying away from him would be wrong and nothing but painful for both of them. If he didn't feel like he had parents, he should at least have a sister that truly cared.

Phoenix rolled her eyes. "Just don't let James hear it under any circumstances. Do you remember how you used to call me Flipper in second grade because I wanted to be a mermaid? I thought he would never stop yelling that nickname after me in the hallways."

Laughing light-heartedly, Sirius leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms behind his head. "Yeah, that was fun."

"It was embarrassing. It made Rabastan greet me with those stupid Dolphin sounds whenever he saw me, which happened a lot since he's our brother's best friend."