Marmoris | Rabastan Lestrange [1] ✔︎

59 | DECISION

It was two weeks later that Phoenix sat on a bench in Hyde Park, waiting for her older brother to arrive. She was nervously fidgeting her fingers and running her hands through her dark curls.
She had spent the last weeks since the dreadful battle at Hogwarts thinking about who she wanted herself to be. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she saw a coward, somebody that was too afraid to decide which side she wanted to belong to. The atmosphere in the Black household was icy after Walburga Black had scolded her only daughter for fighting for the wrong side, completely neglecting the fact that the twins had just lost a dear friend. It was an understatement to say that she was disappointed in Phoenix and that hurt her deeply. She wanted her mother – and her father – to be proud of her, but her words were so similar to what Bellatrix had said that day, which made her wonder if she had been right all along. She barely slept at night, trying to figure out whether she really had been fighting for the wrong thing or not. Only a few days prior to that moment the realisation had struck her that the decision on which side she wanted to fight was out of choice. They had made it look like a choice, but at the same time they had threatened her with killing her friends, like Bellatrix had murdered Will in cold blood and made Maureen's world shatter into pieces, and unspoken threats about making her fall into disgrace and losing her freedom. She could never let that happen. The only decision that was completely up to her was whether she wanted to agree to her family's terms and keep her dignity or be forced into doing what the Dark Lord wanted her to do and lose every single bit of freedom that she had left.

So Phoenix had made her decision.

She spotted Sirius walking in her direction with a huge smile on his lips and got up, unable to return that joyful gesture, although she had always described his smile as one to light up a whole room.

"Hey," he greeted her and drew her into a hug as soon as he reached her.

"Hi," Phoenix whispered as an answer, trying to save that familiar feeling deep down in her memory.

She swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump that was about to form in her throat. I can do this, she reminded herself in her thoughts, closing her eyes shut for a second and breathing in her brother's scent. The hug only lasted way too short for her liking, as he placed his hands on her shoulders, studying her face from an arm's length. "Are you alright?"

"Of course I am," Phoenix assured him like she had been taught to and gave him a small smile.

Sirius' eyes narrowed for a split second, before he ran a hand through his hair and over his face.

"I knew you would say that," he stated, not receiving an answer from his sister. He slowly sat down and made her follow his example. "But if there's one thing that you're not good at, it's lying – at least to people who know you. You have not written to me in weeks and now you suddenly want to meet me in a public space. I thought you didn't want mother to find out."

"Sometimes the obvious is the best cover," Phoenix told him, looking down at her hands, but she heard Sirius snort.

"Yeah, right. But you wouldn't just take that risk for no reason. I know you, Princess. So, please tell me how you really feel."

The brunette girl shook her head, knowing that she would break down again if she allowed herself to talk to him about it. "I can't cry anymore, Sirius. Even if I am a female and allowed to, I can't."

"That's rubbish. I can't begin to imagine what has happened other than what I know. Enough to break somebody. You may be strong, but you don't have to deal with all of that by yourself." Sirius gave her an encouraging smile.

"What do you want me to say? Do you really want me to cry so badly?" Phoenix questioned with her eyes swimming with tears.

Immediately Sirius shook his head. "That's not what I-"

"I have spent weeks crying and I know I shouldn't cry anymore, but somehow I always end up doing it again."

"And that's totally fine," her brother tried to assure her but this time she was the one to shake her head.

"No, it's not. Because it's my fault, all of it. I saw Will die a million times but I ignored it. Not only could I have saved him that way, but by following the path that was chosen for me, Bella made that very clear. Will died because of me and now Maureen is wasting away in her room, writing letters to somebody that will never come back, Dawn lost her home because I encouraged her to trust you and Damian, Reg and Rabastan are trying to act as if they have moved on when they clearly have not. The three of them were so proud to be a part of his army, but because I refused to offer the Dark Lord my powers and sympathised with Muggle-borns, Death Eaters made Rabastan help them get into the castle and he won't even talk about it, which leaves me to imagine that's what happened. It was my lesson. Those lives which were lost are on me and when I finally get back to Hogwarts, nothing will be the same. Dawn, Will, Damian and you will be gone and everybody will know how much of an abomination I am. I am cursed." Phoenix took a deep breath, drying her cheeks of tears. "You wanted to know how I feel? I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish I didn't have to live with those powers because they are about to destroy everything – destroy me. I am tired, Sirius. I just want to turn everything off."

Sirius stayed silent, obviously taken aback by her words, but he didn't try to brush away the tear that was rolling down his cheek. "Are you talking about-"

"Suicide? Could you blame me if I had?" Another tear made its way down her cheek. "But I'm not. Honestly, I have considered it, because the weight of all of this is crushing me down and I feel like I'm drowning, but I know that there are people with lives way worse than mine. I have to cling to the hope of being able to make it right, which is why I wanted to talk to you."

"I will do anything to help you, Princess, anything. Just tell me what you need and you can consider it done," Sirius assured her firmly, taking her hand in his.

She hesitantly pulled it away. "Good. That's really good, because I need you to stay away from me. I have to do what our parents want me to do. I can't let anyone else get hurt because of me and if that means not seeing you anymore, so be it. I'm sorry, Sirius, but I finally have to choose my side."

"Wait," Sirius stopped her when she got to her feet.

She slowly turned back around again.
"If you really need me, don't hesitate to owl me, but otherwise I have to keep my distance," because if I don't, you might be the next one to die, she finished her sentence in her thoughts, pressing her lips into a thin line. "I love you, brother."

Phoenix turned on her heel and as she walked away she heard Sirius mutter, "I love you too, Princess."

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!