Marmoris | Rabastan Lestrange [1] ✔︎

24 | AGONY

For several seconds Rabastan didn't move, taken aback by her sudden outburst. Only his mouth was opening and closing like a fish out of water. Phoenix on the other hand couldn't stop more tears from escaping her eyes. Her whole body felt like it had been hit over and over with a hammer, her legs about to give in at any second.

And when they did, he caught her. His arms wrapped around her, steading her before she could hit the ground. Suddenly she didn't care anymore. She didn't care that somebody saw her weakness or that the boy holding her had been ignoring her for more than a week without any reason. All the fear, anger and pain she had bottled up in her body for the past months was being set free. More and more tears streamed down her cheeks and Rabastan simply held her.

Her head pressed to his chest she finally calmed down only listening to his heartbeat. Her eyes and her throat hurt from crying but it was way better than the agony of guilt pressing on her heart. Crying had somewhat relieved her but there were no more tears left. Her body felt numb and if Rabastan hadn't sat himself down, tightly holding her to his side, she was sure her legs would have collapsed beneath her. His long legs were sprawled out into the corridor while he had put hers over his and his head rested on top of her dark hair. To people walking by the scene must have looked awkward considering they were still wearing their festive gowns but right then Phoenix didn't care. Her overwhelming guilt over how she had endangered and perhaps even wounded fellow students didn't let her care.

When she spoke her voice sounded hoarse. "I hurt people, even if I don't want to."

For a second she thought Rabastan hadn't heard her as he didn't answer but as his hand trailing through her hair stopped for a moment she knew he definitely had.

"No, you don't."

Phoenix lifted her head to look up at him, which made him stop his movement fully. "Yes, I do. I hurt Chrystal about three weeks ago and now endangered the complete school."

"Chrystal?" Rabastan raised his eyebrows in utter confusion.

"The Gryffindor girl who's... who was Daphne's best friend."

"Yeah, I know who she is, but what are you talking about? You never hurt anyone."

Phoenix bit her lower lip, her eyes stinging but even if she felt like crying all over again there were no tears actually escaping her eyes. A lump formed in her throat and she lowered her gaze, not able to look at Rabastan afraid of his reaction. "I don't know what happened. I... She suddenly collapsed and... It was horrible."

"Hey." She felt his warm hand under her chin, lifting it up to face him. "It's alright. You didn't intend to hurt her which proves it's not your fault."

"But I did hurt her and I did hurt these people in the Great Hall." Phoenix buried her face in her hands.

"They'll get over these scratches." Rabastan attempted to reassure her but she shook her head.

"Maybe they will but what if my powers start to grow stronger and worse things are going to happen? I'm turning into a monster, Rabastan."

"No, you most definitely don't. I've seen you in Care of magical Creatures. In second grade you started to cry because a creature whose name I don't even remember was slightly bleeding because it had gotten into a fight with one of the others, in fourth grade you insisted the most prideful Hippogriff was actually quite friendly and you were sitting on its back talking to him about meat although you tried to be a vegetarian during that time and then last year you stood up to one of the Ravenclaws about dragons being dangerous, telling him they were only dangerous if you treated them in the wrong way. That's not really what I call a monster and I'm sure most people would agree with me if you asked them."

"But-"

Rabastan immediately cut her off. "No buts. Your abilities don't make you a completely different person. In fact, I think they aren't even a bad thing, you simply need to learn how to control them."

"You might be the only one thinking like that. A little hint of imperfection might lead my mother to burn my name off of our family tapestry. My whole life I tried to live up to her expectations but right now it feels like I'm losing control, like everything is slipping through my fingers."

For a moment the two of them sat in silence before Rabastan shoved her legs, which were still placed over his, away and got up, holding out a hand for her. She stared at it, not sure what his intentions were.

"Come on, I won't bite," he told her impatiently with a hint of a smile on his lips.

"Alright," she muttered, taking his hand to help her get to her feet.

As soon as she stood again, Rabastan started to walk, pulling her with him by her hand, which he was still holding. He led her through the stairwell with the moving stairs, calmly reminding her of the foul-steps.

By the time they reached the seventh floor Phoenix was fully confused about where they were headed. "Where are you taking me?"

"To a place where all these pureblood expectations don't seem to matter anymore," he replied, not really answering her question.

But further explanation wasn't needed anymore as they reached a staircase, which she knew very well, and he showed her to go up with a movement of his hand.

Phoenix shook her head. "The Astronomy tower is off limits."

"Nobody ever controls these kind of things anyway." Rabastan shrugged and placed a hand on her bare back shoving her up the stairs.

Her skin started to tingle where his warm hand touched it but she didn't pay much attention to it, silently cursing Rabastan for getting her in trouble – again. When they finally reached the top of the staircase he removed his hand only to place a blanket over her shoulder.

For quite some time they silently sat on the cold floor looking up at the stairs before Rabastan sighed. "You know I can relate to what you told me."

Phoenix turned around to look at him. He was staring up into the sky, his head slightly tilted back, his fingers uncomfortably tapping a rhythm on the floor.

"I actually never told anyone," he confided in her.

Purely out of impulse she placed her own hand over his, which made him look at her. "You don't have to tell me anything."

"But I want to." He paused. "Because I trust you."

She watched him lower his gaze to her hands, where he absentmindedly intertwined their fingers. His gentle touch sent a warm feeling through her body as his thumb moved over the back of her hand.

"I think you know my brother; he's married to your cousin Bellatrix."

Phoenix nodded slightly.

"Well, he's about ten years older than I am and he was always my parents' golden child. I have never been of real importance. In fact, I was a so called accident. But still, all I ever wanted was my parents to see me as an equal to my perfect brother."

He swallowed, looking back up at her. "I don't want your pity or anything, Nix. I simply want you to know that you're not alone with what you feel."

Phoenix gave him a reassuring nod and whispered, "Alright."

He took a deep breath, looking down at their intertwined hands once more. "I... Somehow I got to a point where I considered myself not worthy to even exist, just like they treated me although I did everything to be perfect in their eyes. I felt empty and this emptiness wouldn't fade, no matter how hard I tried to get rid of it. It sounds stupid, but my soul was shattered into a thousand pieces and I saw no reason for my life to go on like that. It's thanks to your brother that I'm still alive."

He sucked in a deep breath, looking back up at her.

"Last year I tried to kill myself."