Evan announced his presence as he entered the house after school. He did this daily, not that it mattered. His mother was almost always working a shift at the hospital when he got home.
Lonely and bored, he opened his laptop, clicking on the email he didn't expect to receive. Reading it, he realized that he had been paired up with someone for the project his counselor created. He typed an awkward response, trying not to be overbearing, but also not too distant.
To: anonymous420@support.com
From: treefanatic123@support.com
Dear anonymous420,
It's cool to have a partner for this. Well, not like, fun cool, but like, I'm not alone anymore cool. It's pretty cool.
I'm seventeen too, and I'm supposed to be doing this to make friends in a more comfortable environment. It hasn't really worked since you're the first person I've been paired with, though.
We're supposed to talk about coping mechanisms I guess. I don't know what you do, but I take deep breaths and go on walks. I'm pretty into trees and nature, so it helps calm me down when I get anxious. Write me back soon?
Sincerely,
Me
Evan sent his email, but not before proofreading it about twenty times. This was his one shot at a friend that wasn't Jared or Alana, and he felt like he was beginning to annoy them with his clinginess.
Evan's stomach growled loudly, and he opened the refrigerator, hoping there was something to eat so he didn't have to order food on the phone. Much to his dismay, all he found was a note from his mom reminding him that he could order food online so he didn't have to talk to anyone.
He did this once. It didn't work out very well though because when he opened the door, the delivery person tried to make small talk. Evan, with his lack of social skills, stuttered the whole time and began shaking, spilling the change everywhere when he tried to pay.
Alone, hungry, and sad, Evan found some chips that may have been stale, but it was better than nothing. He decided to start writing his letter to himself early, looking for any positive aspect of the day to look forward to tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Connor was hooking up with a girl he met in a smoking circle three days earlier. Connor was not attracted to her in the slightest, but rumors were circulating about him being gay, and he had to shut that down as quickly as possible. Of course, Connor knew he was gay, but he got enough shit as it was.
Hannah from the Smoking Circle happened to be into him, so he was using her as his beard. Connor should have felt bad; if he possessed any human emotion, that is. At the rate he was going, he knew it was best not to try to feel anything again.
When he left after his rendezvous with Hannah from the Smoking Circle, he saw an email notification on his phone from his pen pal. He had to reread the first part of the email a couple times to understand and distinguish the usage of the word cool, but he eventually got it.
To: treefanatic123@support.com
From: anonymous420@support.com
dear treefanatic123,
that was confusing. i don't see how it's "cool" to have a mental illness partner, but whatever.
i'm seeing a similarity in our coping mechanisms. we both use plants to feel better. the only difference is you look at plants, i inhale them. it bothers my parents, but they're part of the reason i do it, so who cares?
i hope you don't expect me to go all full disclosure. you seem into this idea, and i'm not. i'm being forced into this, and i've never believed that talking about your problems will fix them. don't get your hopes up.
sincerely,
me
Upon reading this, Evan grew uncomfortable. He tried not to be overbearing and he still came on too strong. His partner clearly didn't want to talk to him, so Evan debated on whether or not he should even reply.
Ultimately he decided that he didn't have a choice either, and it would make his mom happy for him to have someone to confide in, so he typed a more subtle response.
To: anonymous420@support.com
From: treefanatic123@support.com
Dear anonymous420,
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it was cool, it's just nice not to be alone. It's fair to say that I come on too strong sometimes, and if the idea of these emails makes you uncomfortable then we can make an excuse to stop.
By inhaling plants, I'm going to guess you mean, like, drugs? Not to preach, but I don't think that's the best way to go about it. My therapist actually told me that weed can worsen my anxiety.
Your parents stress you out? I know you said you didn't want to talk about your problems, but if you do, I'm here. Write me back, if you feel comfortable.
Sincerely,
Me (Evan Hansen)
Evan hoped that by sharing a little bit about himself, he could make his partner feel more comfortable. After weeks passed with no email from him, he guessed it did the opposite and he'd pushed his friend (?) away.
Truthfully, Connor wanted to reply, but he wouldn't let himself. If he let himself respond to Evan, he might share what was wrong. If he did, what if Evan held it against him? Or worse, what if they became friends?
Connor had a plan in place - a plan that worked best if he was close to minimal people. He'd been working on pushing people away for quite a while now, and he was getting rather good at it.
Over time, things got worse and worse for Connor and he really needed to talk. As he tried to convince himself not to, he got an email notification on his phone.
To: anonymous420@support.com
From: Evan Hansen
Dear anonymous420,
Hey... Long time no talk. Just wondering if I did something wrong? I'm really sorry. I'll leave you alone if you want me to. Let me know.
Sincerely,
Me
Connor almost felt bad. Evan was trying, and he just wouldn't put in the same effort. He figured he should respond rather than leave Evan to sink further into his hole of anxiety and self-blame.
To: Evan Hansen
From: anonymous420@support.com
dear evan hansen,
sorry i didn't reply. it's not you, i'm just not used to having someone to talk to. things have been crazy though so maybe it'll help? don't feel pressured, i'm not expecting dr. phil or anything.
everything is going downhill - my grades, my relationship with my family, everything. i don't have friends, the most i have is hannah from the smoking circle, who i don't even like. i look at my sister and see how she gets along with people and i just don't understand why i can't be like her.
i really don't like talking about my feelings and my problems. this is all really new for me, so i'm not ready to tell you my name. i hope that's okay with you. please don't stop sending emails. i'm sorry i didn't reply sooner.
sincerely,
me
