Today was not a good day. Today was not a good day at all. Evan was panicking for no reason. He suddenly could not breathe in class, so he stood up and left without the teacher's knowledge. Now he was skipping class and the anxiety was killing him. He couldn't sneak back into class without the teacher finding him or somebody snitching, so he sat in the computer lab, which was empty except for one person. He decided to email Connor, not having anything better to do with his time.
Evan
I know you're in class but you seem like the kind of person to be on their phone in class.
I am so sorry for stereotyping oh, my God.
I need you. I really need to talk.
Connor
i'm not in class
it's my free bell
are you okay?
Evan
I accidentally skipped class.
I am freaking out.
Connor
this is probably not a good time to ask but how the fuck do you accidentally skip class, hansen
i've been doing it intentionally and i still get caught
you're a natural
Evan
By having a panic attack and running to the computer lab.
Because surely that will comfort you.
Connor
sarcasm noted
wait, you're in the computer lab?
Connor looked up from his computer and glanced up at the boy frantically typing away as he bounced his leg up and down, which he'd learned was a symptom of anxiety in his Psychology class.
"Evan Hansen?" Connor said inquisitively, startling him, "Accidentally skipping class?"
"Connor?" Evan's eyes widened. "Crap, okay, hi."
"It doesn't have to be awkward, ya know. We're technically friends."
"Yeah, b-but I'm awkward so that makes everything awkward b-because I make everything awkward— that's so weird, I'm s-sorry."
"You don't have to keep apologizing."
"S-sorry. Crap! I'm s– I'm gonna shut up n-now."
"Is your arm okay? What happened?"
"I f-fell out of a tree..." Evan scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, a tell-tale sign of a bluff, but Connor let it go.
"You got a Sharpie?" Connor signed in enormous letters across the whole cast. It was a bit messy, partially because of the texture of the cast and partially because Evan was shaking so much.
"So you accidentally skipped class..." Connor spoke up as they sat against the wall, "I'm going to guess you've never done that before."
Evan shook his head rapidly, "I don't do anything I'm n-not supposed to. Ever."
"Why? You should live a little."
"Well, if I do, it stresses my mom out, and I already put her through s-so much, and she doesn't d-deserve to be even more stressed because of me, and I don't want to bother her any more than I do."
"That's... thoughtful." Connor nodded. "I don't really give a fuck about stressing my parents out because they don't give a fuck about stressing me out. That makes me sound like a horrible person."
"N-no! It's fair." Evan did not agree with what he was saying, but Connor called himself a horrible person and it killed Evan to hear him say that about himself. He knew Connor was a good person, he just had a lot of layers to him, kind of like scar tissue. He'd been hurt so much that he put up an aggressive front to protect himself.
Connor just shrugged as the bell rang, and Evan jumped up from his sitting position and darted out of the room as he muttered a quick goodbye to Connor. As he left, Connor mentally scolded himself. The plan was for Evan not to find out who he was. That was safe. He broke the rule by telling Evan his name, but there were plenty of Connors in the school. But he'd really slipped up because now Evan actually knew who he was.
He couldn't help himself, though. Evan was anxious, and though it seemed like Connor was ignoring his anxiety, Evan's demeanor changed significantly when they were having a conversation. He was still stuttering, but he wasn't shaking or bouncing his leg, and his breathing evened out as they spoke. The fact that Connor was able to calm him down so much made him smile because he felt obligated to help Evan after he'd helped him so much.
There was something about Evan that made Connor particularly happier than the average person. Perhaps it was the way he defended Connor against his own self-abuse, or the way he blushed a little when he apologized for apologizing so much, or how much he cared for his mom and how he made her feel.
Connor
so much for anonymous emailing...
This one sentence consumed Evan's waking days. What did it mean? What is a joke? Was it passive-aggressive? He shouldn't have messaged Connor about his anxiety. They would have never known and it would still be anonymous and Connor would feel so much more comfortable.
Connor
glad i got to meet you tho
also, i'm glad you trusted me enough to talk to me about that
Evan
Oh.
Didn't it bother you?
I thought that was, like, so annoying.
On my behalf!
Not yours.
You were all peaceful in the computer lab and I had to ruin it.
And now I know who you are and I feel like that makes you uncomfortable and I feel like I screwed this all up, I'm sorry.
Connor
evan, i enjoyed it
don't stress yourself out
you didn't screw anything up
i was bored out of my mind in the computer lab
you gave me someone to talk to
Evan
But we didn't have a normal conversation.
I'm not normal.
I can't have normal conversations.
I'm bad at that which is like, so annoying because I should just be able to be a normal person and have normal conversations and have normal friends and instead I'm a stressful mess.
Connor
listen to me
you are not a mess
your anxieties are not a burden
i would rather you talk to me about this than let it build up until one day you break
normal is boring
you are anything but boring
Evan
Sorry.
Connor
what are you sorry for?
Evan
I do not know.
But I'm sure there's something I should be apologizing for.
Connor
evan
what do you like
Evan
Huh?
Connor
tell me about stuff you like
i wanna get to know you
i wanna know YOU
not just your anxiety
Evan
Well I really like trees.
Like, a lot.
