Devotion to Bloodshed

The Conversation

So, lets skip a few days, nothing interesting had happened so you're not missing out on anything anyway. I hadn't been talking to any of my friends recently (well except for Violet) so I felt like I needed to get back in touch with them. So I made the decision to hang out with them the next day, but as I set myself on my bed, phone in hand, I pondered to myself, was she actually single? It was no lie I wanted to date her, love was the only thing on my mind, no, she was the only thing on my mind. I wanted to know, so I scrolled through my contacts and found her number. Pressing the call button was harder than I expected, but I managed to do it. "Hiya Wes." It was that melodious voice I craved. "Hello Claire, how are you?" I said this because I was panicking and that was my  go to choice of words. "Well, if you consider sitting on your bed doing fuck all interesting than, sure." I felt relived, my paranoia always gets the best of me. Whenever I think of something embarrassing or something I don't want to happen, I always imagine the worst of things, for example, at this moment I imagined her saying "I'm chilling with my boyfriend" or "I'm fucking my boyfriend silly right now!" My mind is messed up in certain ways, but not in the way that would make me mad, and I swear to you, I'm not mad.

"Really? It sound so interesting! I could listen to your stories all night!" I thought that would make me sound funny, but now that i'm reflecting on this, I realise it just made me sound smug as fuck. "Ha ha, well done funny man" after this, she gave out a shy laugh. The best parts of life are having a one on one conversation with your love isn't it? It's just so thrilling. Having a crush puts a certain edge to things. If someone found out that I loved this girl, I wouldn't ever have a chance to be her friend, it would just be all awkward. That's why i'm so cautious about everything, I need to watch what I say in front of her otherwise i'm going to reveal this deep secret. Anyway, I need to ask her that question now

"Hey Violet, if you don't mind me asking, are you single? Not that i'm interested or anything..." I remember that pause, it felt like life or death, thank fuck she answered. "Yep, single and ready to mingle, and don't worry, I would be flattered if you were interested." I always say I remember things so vividly, sometimes I don't. I remember all of the time I spent with Violet though, those moments are so precious to me that if I lost them, I would never be happy again. The reason i'm telling you this is that this is one of my most valuable memories, I almost jumped up from my bed, but I didn't, but I did jolt up from my lying down on my back position. My cheeks yet again were rosy red, and my breaths were deep and long. My imagination went to work again, imagining a life where we could live together, be husband and wife, have kids and grow old together, just thinking about it now causes me to loosen up and recline. "Hey Violet, if we were to become more than friends, how would you feel? would you like it or would you do it to make me happy?" I guess there's a morale to this conversation, what turns sweet will eventually turn sour, because what she said next fragmented my heart.  "Ha ha! you're funny, that's why I like you so much." I know that sounds so cliche, and in some way it is, but it still hurts. Sometimes it makes me wonder, do good people experience bad things? It really depends on your future and how good a person you are.  Well that's my opinion at least, all i'm saying is that this fucking sucks.

"Yeah, I know, that's why anyone likes me to be frank with you." The conversation lasted a few more minutes but she had to go to sleep, I couldn't bring myself to hang up, so she did. After that I put my pillow over my head and started crying, I didn't know why I cried back then and I don't know now. Love. That's why. Love is a heartless son of a  bitch, how ironic does that sound? The things that cause your heart to beat doesn't have a heart? I guess life picks and chooses who loves each other and who goes out with who, here's the truth. If you truly love someone, you don't stop trying, even despite the fact that life chooses love for you, don't stop. The thing is...heh... Life's a bitch, life's a wimp. I don't even know why I think that. I think i'm spurting out whatever comes to my mind first. Lets just move to the next chapter. I think the next one is where things start to get good. In my opinion of course.