A Silent Lover

3. TaekWoon

As I leave the cafe I'm a bundle of nerves and I have to stop myself from looking in the window at her for one final glance. My hands are shaking and I can't decide whether I want to scream in joy or cry. I was going to see Bitna on Sunday, just two days from today. How would I survive the wait? Ah, but I couldn't call her Bitna, my light, anymore. Now my goddess had a name and it was beautiful.

"Imani," I whispered to myself.

I tried typing it into my search bar on my phone, guessing at the English name. Many different spellings came up, but they all meant the same thing; Faith. The guys were talking about her and how great it was that she spoke Korean, but I could only think about how wonderful it had been to finally see her up close. She had smelled nice, something light but sensual and it had made me squeeze my hands together in response.

I knew that I'd probably looked strange to her, and that she had probably thought it was weird that I didn't really speak. But I would do better the next time I saw her. Like everyone I was close with, exposure lessened my feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment until I could act normally.

And speaking of comfort- I thought while reaching back to grab N's arm.

"Don't do that ever again," I told him in my sternest voice.

However, N was surprisingly strong and he rolled his arm out of my hand with ease.

"Don't be mad, she seemed to like you. And if we had just waited around for you to talk to her it would've never happened. Now thanks to me you've got a date on Sunday." He said in his usual bright tone, as if I wasn't shooting daggers at him with my eyes.

He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I huffed, trying not to laugh, but he was right. I don't know if I would've had the courage to speak to Imani no matter how much I wanted to. I'm too embarrassed to say thank you, so I just push him lightly. N smiles at me and I know he understands. Out of all my members, he's the one who probably understands me the best and I wonder if I would be getting better so quickly without him.

When I had first debuted with VIXX, it had been very difficult to be myself while on camera. People were everywhere and the cameras were always rolling. I was too aware of them to be funny or even normal, worried that someone was watching my every move. I had avoided the cameras like the plague, but N and the other members had taken up the slack and had never made me feel like I was less because of it.

I was more grateful to them than I could ever say. Being an idol was a lifestyle and I knew I didn't fit the convention, but I loved what I did and I was good at it. And finally after years of dealing with my shyness, I was starting to get comfortable on camera. Now I would just have to become that way in my personal life as well. 

I did nothing all day Saturday but sit in the dorm and think about Imani. When she had sat down at our table and smiled, her eyes had been kind and warm. She felt real in a way that the other women I'd been around recently hadn't been. I had been quiet my whole life and that had led to me watching people instead of talking. I had figured something out at a young age by doing so. People were rarely truthful about everything and sometimes they would show those lies through body language.

In the Korean music industry, it was useless to try and believe most idols since they were usually acting for their fans anyway. But regular people only lied when they had something to hide. In the same way, most women nowadays saw my popularity and wanted something from me. They threw themselves at me every chance they could. But with Imani, I could tell that saying yes to me had made her uncomfortable. I wasn't sure if it was just me or something bigger.

I knew that she was busy; someone working that late at night on paperwork had to be. Was she over-stressed since she had her own company? Would she back out of our date if something came up. For the twentieth time that day, I wished that I had her phone number too so that I could call her. I wanted it to be Sunday already so that I could be in her presence and find out more about her.

So that the day would pass by faster, I began monitoring VIXX's old stages, looking to see if there was anything I could improve on. Although my singing had only gotten better over the years, I still wasn't sure if I had reached my full potential. Since I was a main vocal in our group, I was expected to be amazing and my own high standards demanded the same. So instead of worrying about whether or not Imani would actually call me for our date, I put my headphones on and began to sing, retreating into my own world again.

"Shut up!" I yelled at my members, slamming the door to my bedroom behind me. Somehow they had all found out that Imani and I were supposed to be going out for a date. I suspected Ken; he had a big mouth and couldn't keep a secret unless it was his own. But it didn't matter whose fault it was, they had all been teasing me mercilessly since that morning, but I had let it slide because I was excited as well. When they spoke about her, HakYeon and Ken telling the members about her looks and complimenting her, a felt a touch of pride. But now the jokes were getting old and I was tired of Hyuk and HongBin sitting close to me and asking me when I would propose. Of course, they were volunteering to be a man of honor and a ring bearer respectively.

It had taken all I had not to knock them flat, but I hadn't resisted punching them a few times. Once again, the noise in the dorm had become unbearable, and since our manager no longer lived with us, there was no one to calm down N and Ken, the ringleaders of those group of idiots. I loved my members but I couldn't take it anymore.

Now that I was behind closed doors, I felt like I could think again. But now that I could think, all that came to mind was that it was three o'clock and I hadn't heard from Imani yet. I was worried that she had forgotten about me, worried that she was just being nice when she took my number and had no intention of going anywhere with me. I had heard often enough that I was good-looking to finally start to believe it, but what if she wasn't interested in Korean men? And what if my shy personality just wasn't her style?

I was feeling confused and slightly hurt, but I wanted to stay positive. Maybe she was just busy. I decided to pick out the outfit I would wear to see her instead, hoping that it wasn't a waste of time. I decided on a white t-shirt with gold lettering on it, dark black jeans, and a thin, black leather jacket to go over it since it was still slightly cold at night. I put the clothes on quickly and checked out the look in my full-length mirror. I twisted this way and that while trying to find a good angle but quickly give up. I looked at myself and realized that I resemble a modern-day vampire. I sigh in frustration and try to work on my expressions next. HakYeon had once told me that half the battle with women was how you looked at them.

I started with my usual face in the mirror, and found it lacking; I looked bored and uninterested. Next, I tried one of Ken's faces; despite his large nose he had a great smile and I tried to copy it. Unfortunately, I ended up looking like a serial killer. I flopped down on my bed, discouraged and irritated. How could I appeal to Imani when I was like this? I was about to sink into my feelings of despair when my phone dinged from somewhere underneath the pile of clothes I'd just thrown on the floor. I scrambled out of bed, almost breaking my neck, busily throwing clothes out of the way. I snatched my phone up with a sigh of relief and pressed on the new text message that was showing on my screen.

Hello, is this TaekWoon?

Ne. Is this Imani-ssi?

Yes. I'm at the Han River right now. Would you like to join me?

My heart was beating a mile a minute as I texted her back a yes in reply. What would happen at the river? What would we do? It had been so long since I'd been on a date and I could barely contain my panic. I rushed from my bedroom, ignored my members who were lazing around in the living room, and left the apartment. Getting into my car, I prayed to whomever might be listening that this date would go well.