A Silent Lover

19. Imani

When I had asked TaekWoon to let me see him perform on stage, I hadn't expected to be front and center of a live performance at the studio where they filmed Inkigayo. Chained Up had done so well that Vixx had an encore stage almost a month after their regular promotions had ended. And by some miracle, TaekWoon had gotten me in to see the live recording.

The large production studio's staff were stern when it came to the number of fans allowed inside for the performances; they made sure that each popular group had just enough support for it to be noticeable on camera.
Understanding that, I knew that the girls around me were die-hard fans because just getting into these types of events required buying numerous albums, belonging to the official fan club and spending hours waiting outside the studio for the recording to start.

I admired their dedication but I also felt something like protectiveness start to build up inside my chest. Excited Starlights held up posters and phone screens that read Leo and TaekWoon in bright letters, calling out his name before he and his members had even walked on stage.
Who was I in all of this, what could I give him that any one of these girls couldn't? Suddenly I felt somewhat inadequate, like maybe my life was too simple. I had asked him to be a husband and father; how did that compare to stardom and these fans' adoration?

I was subdued until the lights flashed, the spotlights announcing Vixx's entrance on the stage. The fans around me erupted into deafening cheers, each girl screaming out their favorite member's names. When Vixx finally appeared and their song began, the TaekWoon on stage didn't seem like my TaekWoon at all. He was someone different as he pushed back his hair from his face in a graceful sweep, making the girls around me scream in response.

His movements were fluid, almost lazy even though I knew the amount of practice it had to have taken for it to look so effortless. His beautiful voice rang out over the track playing in the background and I sat back in my seat, shocked that he was singing live in the midst of such a tiring dance. Sparks flew up from the stage while the group sang the chorus and as the boys moved through their song, I couldn't tear my eyes away from TaekWoon.

He was bold, sexy and entrancing, the smallest of his jerks and thrusts making me want to jump up on stage and grab him before anyone else saw what I did. The small lip bites and the way he shook his body to the beat sent shivers racing through me. I fanned myself lightly, remembering how those same lips and that same body had been pressed against mine.

I could've never imagined seeing him perform like this, his sweet voice becoming powerful as he sang the high notes. There was a fierceness in him that hadn't come out while we'd been together and I couldn't help but wonder where this side of his personality had been hiding. The performance was chaotic and amazing and I was completely lost.

After it was over, one of the girls I was sitting next to noticed my shocked expression and asked me which one of the guys had me so jumbled up. When I spoke TaekWoon's name in reverence, she only chuckled in response.

"Unnie, that's called LeShinSet. Chukahamnida!"

"What does that even mean?"

"Once you start to care for Leo you fall for him. And once you fall, there's no way out," the girl laughed as she finished her explanations and I thought over her words. Honestly, she had a point; just when had he wormed his way so deep into my heart? What was happening to me?

Backstage was completely different from what I'd expected to see in a music broadcasting station. Older groups like Vixx all had their own dressing rooms, but the newer groups had to share large open spaces with others. As a stage manager led me to the boys, I saw that three girl groups had been placed into one huge room, plastic screens the only things separating them from each other. I couldn't imagine having to share breathing space with those who were essentially your competition. How much more anxious would you be when you had to go onstage, knowing that the ones who may cost you fame and nullify years' worth of training were in the same room?