A Silent Lover

27. Imani

"Imani, are you breathing?" A gently familiar voice asked me from far away and I brought myself back to the here and now, watching as a pale hand waved in front of my face, the person to whom it belonged to looking down at me with concern etched into every feature of his face. His own looks were as familiar to me as my own, and they evoked as strong of a response in me as Jae's did. This face meant love and I wanted to ease the stress I saw on it, protect it no matter how I felt.

"I'm totally fine," I said easily with a smile although I'm sure the stretching of my lips was shaky at best. It was finally here, the moment that I had tried and failed to ignore for the better part of a month; it all had culminated into this single hour where my life would be irrecoverably changed, for better or for worse.

I had always thought that the moment that I'd first had the thought to adopt Jae had been the turning point in my life, but today I realized that this would be my true test. I could no longer be scared of what may or may not happen, could no longer imagine the worst-case scenarios and spend hours lying awake at night and just waiting with a belly full of worry. Now that it was here I almost felt relieved; I would fight 'til the end, but whatever the outcome, what was meant to happen would happen whether I could anticipate it or not. Now was the time to live through the nightmare.

"I'm fine, Yeobo, thanks. Are you ready?" I asked my husband and his answer was in his own small smile.

"Yeah, let's get this done. I don't want Jae waiting too long for us today," TaekWoon said directing this bit to Song who nodded in agreement.

TaekWoon placed his hand on my lower back and we walked together into the courthouse. I was reminded of the other times we'd been to an official building like this one; once to get married and another on the day we'd adopted Jae together. Both days had been emotional whirlwinds, but through it all TaekWoon had been there with me, guiding me just like now. I don't know what I would've done if I'd had to go through all of this alone and I muttered a small prayer of thanks that he had been brought into my life.

The large courthouse has many levels to it, the criminal ones on the bottom, and other types of cases taking place on the upper floors. All of them are clearly noted in the elevators and in the hallways themselves. There's no way to get lost but somehow I want that to be an option; I want to be confident but I feel shaken instead.

The courtroom we'd been assigned to was more or less just the chambers of the judge, and it's empty except for the brown wood-paneled walls, one long cherry wood table and a set of thick black chairs lining each side. It looks almost like a board room with the way it's set up, and I can't stop my unease from kicking up a notch. TaekWoon, Song and I took the seats to the far side of the room, the better to see Kang when she walked in.

My palms were sweating already and the preliminaries hadn't even begun. I had officially never been so nervous in my life and I clenched my hands into fists under the table, the better to hide the shaking that I couldn't seem to stop. TaekWoon looked at me and frowned, taking in my posture. He gently opened my fingers and interlaced them with his own, firmly pressing them. I gave him another weak smile and let out the breath that I had unconsciously been holding in.

I felt my stress fall away just a little and I reminded myself once again that I wasn't in this alone. I looked at my husband, liking the way his black hair fell around his face now that he'd let it grow out longer than usual. I was convinced that if I could stroke it right now I would be able to calm down completely, but it wasn't possible. Instead I tapped my heeled foot against the marble floor in impatience. I glanced at the watch on my wrist and noted the time; court began early and we were here at nine in the morning.

We had admittedly come a bit early for the proceedings but I had expected that Kang would be here just as early if not earlier. She was fighting for the right for her biological child; it seemed strange that she wouldn't be more eager than everyone else to have this resolved. But I couldn't muse for long because not too much later Kang was preceded inside by her counsel and I felt the speed of my pulse increase. Here was my adversary; I had to think of her like that because otherwise I'm not sure if I could go through with this.