A Silent Lover

15. Imani

I woke up the next morning with a headache so fierce that I had to stumble my way into the bathroom for a hot shower to ease the pain. Almost twenty minutes later the pounding had finally stopped and I left the shower to wrap a thick towel around myself, breathing in the damp air around me. I wiped the condensation from the mirror and noticed that my lips were somewhat puffy, probably from falling asleep with my face stuffed into my pillow.

Such was the punishment for crying myself to sleep after staying up half the night. I was irritated beyond belief, my feelings all confused and jumbled up. One minute I was angry, the next minute I was apologetic. Then I was mentally kicking myself for feeling sorry even though I hadn't done anything wrong. Maybe I had reacted badly to TaekWoon's revelation, maybe I had gone too far, but in that moment, I had doubted myself.

It was my own fault, suddenly getting married to someone that I didn't really know. Especially to someone who led such a life, one that I wouldn't even begin to know how to act in. I thought back on the day before, and how I had acted after we'd left the adoption agency.

TaekWoon had been quiet since we'd left the Welfare Society and I had been stewing in my own thoughts, still trying to absorb the fact that in just one day JaeHyun had officially become my son and the man I had married wasn't who I'd thought he was. TaekWoon had been sending me looks ever since we'd begun walking in Gangnam but I had avoided his eyes, afraid I would say something that I would later regret.

"I know you didn't eat this morning because you were so nervous. There's a nice place close by here, we could get something to eat to celebrate."

"I don't think that's a good idea," I broke in quietly.

TaekWoon looked at my face and nodded once, his own expression seeming to mimic my feelings. I didn't know how to deal with the hurt I was feeling and what I needed most was time alone to process all that had happened. I was worried, more than I had ever been worried about anything before. At this point JaeHyun was technically mine but the adoption committee still had the ability to remove him from my care if they believed I was an unfit parent.

And what could be more unfit than not knowing who you'd married? How could I honestly depend on TaekWoon now that he'd lied to me? I felt that he'd broken my trust and I wasn't sure how to go back to normal. More than anything I wished he'd never lied to me in the first place. I wanted to kick myself for trusting someone else when it came to Jae.

"Imani, look at me," he whispered as he came to a stop in the middle of the street. More pain laced those four words than I had thought possible and I felt hot tears building up in my eyes as I finally looked up at him.

"I'm sorry Imani, I'm so sorry." He held out his hand to me, reaching for me with a look of pleading on his face. But no matter how much I wanted to take it, I didn't.

"I know you are," I told him and kept walking to the bus stop that would take me back to my apartment.

All last night and even this morning, I couldn't get TaekWoon out of my mind. I had become so attached so quickly, had wanted so much more for the us that had barely begun. I could get high off of his cologne and the care in his eyes, off his dreams and dogged determination. Everything about him made me feel different, more than I was before. The fact that I was his wife still sent tingles of pleasure through me whenever I thought of it. He cared about me and about my son and had done more for us than anyone.

The truth was that I wasn't ready to let him go. And so I came to the conclusion that I couldn't worry about what might happen, I could only think about what I would miss out on if I let his stardom affect who we were becoming. I wanted more than anything to forget that he had lied to me, that he had broken my trust. But that was impossible, so I'd do the next best thing. I would forgive him and from this day on make sure there were no more secrets between us.