more and more difficult...

two

Jayden pulled up along the footpath opposite Ethan and Shaun's apartment. He twisted the car keys and undid his seatbelt. Norman reached in his coat pocket to feel a tube of triptocaine, wrapping his hand around it firmly. "I hope Shaun doesn't have to witness this," he muttered to himself as he slowly got out of his black Chevrolet.

He gently knocked on the door, watching in surprise as it opened almost instantly. Shaun launched himself onto Jayden who wrapped his arms around the boy and laughed.

"You've grown so much since I last saw you!" the profiler exclaimed.

"I missed you! Dad told me about you coming over and I got really excited. I didn't think you were coming back!"

Yes, this was the Shaun that Jayden missed.

---

Jayden found himself supporting his dizzy self on the sink, gripping the cold basin to prevent himself from collapsing.

"Fuck..." he hissed in a low voice, breathing heavily and trying not to slip into unconsciousness.

Take the tripto, Jayden. Take it.

However, Jayden grabbed the tube out of his pocket and threw it in the toilet, quickly flushing it before balancing himself against a wall.

What a fucking life I live.

---

Jayden stumbled out of the bathroom, making sure no one was there to see him. He put on a smile and went to the kitchen to greet Shaun who was now with Ethan.

"How was work?" Jayden asked politely.

"It was good, Jayden. Thank you looking after Shaun. Join us for dinner sometime and I'll make up for it." Ethan said cheerfully, earning an excited nod from his son.

---

Night had settled in and Jayden was in his office, typing away at his laptop. His office was moved to another part of the building and was tastefully decorated; no longer plain and neglected.

"Still here?" he heard a familiar voice say.

He turned his attention towards the door, where the voice had come from.

"Blake," Jayden said rather casually. "Shouldn't you be home?"

Blake leaned against the door frame, staring at the younger.

"Anything I can help you with?" Jayden asked after a pause of confusion.

"I heard Ethan Mars is back."

The name hit Jayden like a brick.

What does that mean to him?

"What's that to you?"

"He put us through hell, Norman. Why was he here, tell me." Blake took a few steps towards Jayden, who remained somewhat calm at the sudden movement.

"He didn't put us through hell," Jayden stated blankly, turning back to face his laptop screen.

Blake pushed the laptop down, closing it.

"Blake! I'm trying to work here, d'you mind?" Jayden shouted, looking up at the older with anger-fuelled eyes.

"And I'm asking you a question! Answer it for fuck's sake!" Blake grabbed Jayden's tie, roughly pulling him towards himself.

"What the fuck was Ethan Mars doing here?"

"Let go of me, Blake." Jayden remained calm, speaking in a relaxed manner.

"I asked you a bloody question, you bastard!" Blake practically screamed at the younger.

Jayden used all his strength to push Blake as far as possible, making him hit his head against the wall.

"Bastard!" Blake hissed, as Jayden expected.

"Get out of my office before I seriously hurt you, Blake."

Blake laughed. "Hurt me? Hah! What you gonna do, hm? What the fuck are you gonna-"

Jayden, having had enough of Blake's bullshit, punched him in the face, swearing he had broken his nose.

---

"Dad? What happened to Jason wasn't your fault, you know... you don't have to look through the letters that mom sent you. She shouldn't be blaming you." Shaun said in a comforting tone while Ethan flicked through some old letter from his ex-wife.

He smiled when he heard his son say these words. "Thank you, Shaun..." he muttered tearfully, ruffling the younger's hair. "Thank you,"

Shaun smiled fondly, taking the letters and shoving them underneath the sofa. 

"When Jayden came earlier, he told me to remind you that Jason wouldn't want you to blame yourself. He was talking about how he blamed himself when he-"

Ethan's phone rang abruptly, making Shaun frown.

---

"I've had enough," Jayden stated blankly, staring at the wall in front of him. "This is what my fucking life has come to, is it? Fucking triptocaine, I swear... that damned day..." he trailed off, dragging the blade across his pale arm once more. "I can't even feel pain now, wow..." 

Jayden almost laughed, amused at this sudden realisation. "What a fucking life!" he almost screamed in a psychopathic manner. 

"They look so lovely..." 

Another cut.

"So beautiful..."

Another cut.

"So fucking artistic! I love this life! I fucking swear there's nothing wrong with it, don't you agree Jayden? Don't you!?" 

Shortly after that, he burst into tears again, hugging his skinny knees closer to his chest. "I want to be normal again... I want to live again..." 

Jayden brutally dug the blade back into his skin, biting his lip in agony and whimpering while his tears fell continuously. 

"I want to end this life," 

---

It had been about three years to Jason's death and Shaun had found a way of coping; drawing. He'd draw pictures of Jason and himself with both their parents still together and married. Shaun sighed, remembering that damned day when Jason got hit by that fucking car as Shaun himself and his mother watched it right in front of their eyes.

Yes, that was one day Shaun desperately wanted to forget about, but that would never happen and he knew that. 

It was worse for Ethan though; he had held Jason as he died and went into a come for six months only to wake up to the horrible news no parent ever deserves to get; he couldn't save his son.

For months, years after that, Ethan was beyond fucked up. Relying on a crappy psychiatrist and some pills he swore he could overdose on wasn't much of a help at all. Why did Ethan not kill himself? Simply only because he couldn't leave Shaun. No matter how much he thought that Shaun didn't deserve a father like him, he could never put his son through something like that again.

He could never do that to Shaun. Ever.  

---